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The Wit and Wisdom of 
Safed the Sage 



// you Like this Book You Will 
Be Glad to Read the earlier volume 
of " The Parables of Safed the 
Sage" Contains the Same Number 
of Parables as this Book, 

Price $1.25 

Order from 

THE PILGRIM PRESS 

BOSTON or CHICAGO 



The Wit and Wisdom 
of Safed the Sage 



BY 
WILLIAM E. BARTON 




THE PILGRIM PRESS 

BOSTON CHICAGO 



^b^\%^ 



*$. 



Copyright 1919 
By ALBERT W. FELL 



NOV 20 i 9 i3 



THE PILGRIM PRESS 
BOSTON 



©CI.A5366'<7 



FOREWORD 

The constant request of readers who enjoy these 
little chapters of popular philosophy, good sense 
and fun as they appear from week to week has led 
the publishers to issue this book. We are confident 
that wherever it goes it will not only stimulate the 
cultivation of Safed's favorite flower, the Holly- 
hock, and promote the appreciation of good dough- 
nuts and cherry pie, but will carry the spirit of mirth 
and wholesome good cheer which have made these 
parables popular. 

Many readers have inquired the origin of the 
name Safed. So far as we know, no man except 
the author of these Parables bears or has borne that 
name. He did not wish to choose a name either 
from the Bible or from the Arabian Nights, and so 
invented one. The name was not, however, invented 
wholly out of nothing. There is in Northern Galilee 
a village called Safed or Sefet, lying north and a 
little west from the Sea of Galilee, and plainly 
visible from the traditional site of the Sermon on 
the Mount, and believed to be the "city set on a hill, 
which cannot be hid." The author visited this site 
some years ago, and the name came to him some- 



FOREWORD 



what spontaneously as a convenient one for the 
character which he has assumed in these chapters. 

We commend these chapters to all who enjoy- 
either good fun or good sense or both. 



The Publishers. 



INTRODUCTION 

I wish to express my own appreciation, and that 
of Keturah, for the very gracious words that come 
to us from readers of these Parables. If they are 
fitted to add to the enjoyment of life, that in itself 
is worth while. If they teach some wholesome les- 
sons, and discover in common things suggestions 
of things spiritual, the author is doubly glad. 
Written week by week, and made, like Keturah' s 
suppers on the day the maid goes out, out of such 
things as are found in the cupboard, they are in- 
tended to teach their homely lessons of kindness, 
faith and courage in terms that are easily intel- 
ligible. 

If now and then they contain a word too new to 
be found in the dictionary, and popularly known as 
slang, it is to be remembered that Safed and 
Keturah are the parents of children who continue to 
contribute something to the education of their 
parents; and there is thought to be a value in re- 
lieving a style that might easily become monoto- 
nously solemn with a little element of piquancy. But 
it will not need to be said that no word is used that 
is known to have any coarse association. Many now 
thoroughly reputable words were once slang. 



INTRODUCTION 



In these parables the sins and follies of life are 
intended to be treated with charity, and the simple 
and sterling qualities that make life worth living 
are sought to be constantly commended. If now 
and then these lessons provoke a smile, so much 
the better. 

We have been needlessly afraid of the word 
"parable." All true teaching is by means of par- 
ables. We live in a world that would be totally dark 
but for five narrow windows of sight, hearing, 
touch, taste and smell. Our emotions and aspira- 
tions and spiritual perceptions must all be expressed 
in words which were originally words of the five 
senses. We have constant need to be told not what 
the kingdom of heaven is, but what it is like unto. 
Any homely little incident that gives us a glimpse of 
spiritual realities is worth to us all that it can be 
made to express of truth and beauty. The kingdom 
of heaven is within. 

The sources of joy in human life lie close about us 
and inhere in common things. Some of their mean- ' 
ings lie plainly on the surface and are immediately 
available. But there are deeper joys and larger 
lessons in common experiences if we know how to 
find them. 

Safed. 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

The Dog and the Limited 3 

The Man from Jonesville 5 

The Curves and the Tangents 7 

The High Cost of Living 9 

The Doughnut io 

The Man in the Upper Berth 12 

When Business Was Really Good 15 

The Coffee and the Doughnut 16 

Having Enough 18 

The Women and Their Carfare 20 

The Windmill and the Pump 22 

The New Recipe 24 

The Grindstone That Dulled the Scythe . . 26 

The Bad Boy 28 

The River and the Flood 30 

The Crossing-Tender 32 

The Bay Rum 34 

The Collection of Geniuses 36 

On Being Independent 38 

The Time for Weariness 40 

The Home of the Sparrow 43 

Crumbs and Bubbles 45 

The Barber-Shop . 47 

On Duty Half Done 50 

The Catalogue of Flowers 51 

The Different Kinds of Seed 53 

The Easter Bonnet 55 

Hollyhocks I Did Not Plant 56 

Hollyhocks I Transplanted 59 

Parable of the Shore Dinner 60 

Heaven and the Steamboat 62 

The River Current : 64 

The First Robin 66 



x CONTENTS 

PAGE 

The Robin and the Cherries 68 

The Height of the Sky 70 

Concerning Rest 72 

The Quick and the Dead 74 

The Scrub Team 76 

The Next Time 79 

The Moving Pictures 81 

Eden and the Serpent 83 

Hollyhocks and the Storm 86 

The Signal Tower 88 

The June Christmas Tree 90 

The Circus Procession 92 

The Bumble Bee 94 

The Potato Bug 95 

The Pulloon 98 

The Button and the Plus 100 

Things One Wants To Know 103 

The End of the War 104 

The Four-Cent Birthday 106 

The New Suit of Clothes 108 

The Panama Hat no 

The Recoil 112 

Concerning Extremes 114 

Out and In 115 

Magnanimity 117 

The Two Inn Keepers 120 

The Inn and the Eating House 121 

Golf Ball and Earthquake 123 

The Lost Affections 125 

Sympathy and Helpfulness 127 

The Piece Cut Out of the Paper 129 

The Needs of Great Men 130 

On Growing Old 132 



The Wit and Wisdom of 
Safed the Sage 



The Wit and Wisdom of 
Safed the Sage 



THE DOG AND THE LIMITED 

NOW I rode on a Fast Express Train called 
the Limited. And we went through a Coun- 
try where there were Many Farms. And 
the Train went like the Driving of Jehu. 

And there was a Farmhouse that stood near unto 
the track but back, as it were, about the space of a 
Furlong. And in the Farmhouse dwelt a Farmer. 
And the Farmer had a Dog. And when the Train 
drew Nigh, the Dog started from the Farmhouse 
toward the Train. And he Barked Furiously, and 
he Ran Swiftly. And I marveled that he could run 
so Swiftly, and that at the same time he could Bark 
so Furiously. But with all his barking he could 
not make so much Noise as the Train, neither with 
all his Running could he overtake it. 

And the path that he made in his Running was a 
Great Parabolic Curve. For he started before the 
Train entered the Farm, running toward the Train, 



THE WIT AND WISDOM 



and going East, for the Train was toward the West. 
But as the Train ran on and stopped not, the Dog 
ran South, and when the Train was going By and 
not even Hesitating, he Curved so that he ran 
Southwest and then West. And at the west side 
of the Farm he fell into a Ditch, and rolled over 
and over and got up, and shook himself, and stood 
for a moment and cursed the Train, and then Re- 
turned Home. 

And the Train went on. 

And a month thereafter I rode on the same Train, 
and behold, the Same Dog did all the Things that 
he had done before. 

And three months thereafter I rode again on the 
Same Train, and the Same Fool Dog was still Get- 
ting Experience in the Same Manner, but Learning 
Nothing Therefrom. 

And I saw that he was even like unto some Men, 
who might be Brayed in a Mortar with a ,Pestle, yet 
would not their Folly depart from them. 

For even as that Dog watcheth daily for that 
Train, rising every morning and listening for it, 
and chasing it through the Farm, and Tumbling in 
the Ditch on the West Line of the Farm, so there 
are Men who Chase their Follies Continually, and 
learn Nothing from their Tumbles. 

And what would the Dog have Done with the 
Train if he had Caught it? 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 



THE MAN FROM JONESVILLE 

Now, there was among my Neighbors a man 
whose name was Smith, and he was from Jones- 
ville. And he told me often of Jonesville, what a 
Lovely Place it was, and how every one who lived 
there was Happy and Virtuous, and how sorry he 
was that he ever had left there, and how he wanted 
to go back to Jonesville. And when the men in the 
city where I lived failed to clean the Snow off their 
Sidewalks, or the City Council indulged in Graft, 
or the children were Rude, or there was an Early 
Frost, he told me that Such Things did not happen 
in Jonesville. And this continued for nigh unto 
Twenty Years ; and the older he grew the more he 
talked about Jonesville. And I told him I hoped 
that when he died he would go to Jonesville. 

Now it came to pass that he prospered, so that 
he retired from Business. And he sold his House 
and Lot in the City wherein I dwell, and went back 
to Jonesville that he might Spend his Last Years in 
Peace, and Die in Jonesville. And we all Bade him 
Farewell, with something of Sorrow, and Some- 
thing of Relief. 

And it came to pass that at the end of Six Months, 
he and his Wife moved back again, and bought back 
their Old House for a Thousand Dollars more than 
they sold it for. And they were Tenfold more 



THE WIT AND WISDOM 



Happy to get back than they had been to go 
away. 

And it came to pass on an Evening that Keturah 
and I called on them, I said, Old Fellow, tell me on 
the Level, what was the matter with Jonesville? 

And he said to me, Speak not to me of Jonesville, 
lest I do thee Harm. It is the toughest Joint this 
side of States Prison. The dear people we knew 
have all died or moved away, and they who are in 
their places are Unneighborly and Snobbish. And 
they Tango and do other Outrageous Stunts, and 
their Kids are the Limit. We have come back to 
Dwell in the place where we have spent Twenty 
Happy Years, and we have but one favor to ask of 
our old Neighbors, and that is, that they never speak 
to us of Jonesville. 

And as Keturah and I walked home, I spake to 
her, and said, Keturah. 

And Keturah answered, I know what thou art 
about to say; and I suspected all the time that it 
would be just so. 

And I said, There are many men and women who 
sigh for some Jonesville or other, who might be 
Decently Happy where they are if they would make 
it their business. 

And Keturah said, Our Jonesville is right here. 

And I said, Amen. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 



THE CURVES AND THE TANGENTS 

I rode in the Cab of a Locomotive, and I spake 
with the man who drave the Engine, and we went 
at High Speed. And High Speed is one thing from 
the rear end of the Observation Car, and Quite 
Another Thing from the Cab of a Locomotive ; and 
it giveth a man the Impression that he is not run- 
ning a Sewing Machine. 

And I looked out upon the Track. 

And I spake unto the Engineer, and I said, Be- 
hold, how many are the Curves; whereas, the Map 
which this Company doth print with its Time Table 
doth shew the Road to be a Straight Line Joining 
every Great City in America to every other Great 
City. 

And he said, That is how it looketh on the map ; 
but to the engineer every railroad is a Double Sys- 
tem of Curves, the Curves on the Surface and the 
Curves Up and Down. A railroad curves to get a 
better approach to a bridge, or to enter a town, or 
to avoid a swamp or an hill, or to go around the 
land of some Farmer who tried to sell his land at 
four prices, so there is a Curve to the right and a 
Tangent, and then a Curve to the left; and some- 
times there is a Reverse Curve with no Tangent 
between, in which case the Passenger doth think 
Unkind Thoughts of the Engineer without knowing 



8 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

why he is jerked Galley- West. Believe me, the 
business of running an air ship like this is something 
more than opening and shutting the Throttle, for 
there are always the Curves to pull around and see 
around, and thou dost never know what doth lie in 
wait around the rim of the Curve, nor how strongly 
the Train will be tempted to disregard the Curve 
and survey a new Tangent of its own. 

And I said, What is the other system of Curves? 

And he said, No roadbed is level. Even in a 
Prairie Country, the roadbed descendeth to a little 
stream, and ascendeth to a little hill, and then de- 
scendeth to a larger stream, and ascendeth to a 
larger hill; and it must all be considered in terms 
of Coal Consumption, and Steam Pressure, and the 
Weight of the Train, and the Condition of the 
Track whether it be Dry or Wet or Frosty. 

And I said, Thou hast many things to trouble thee 
that I wot not of. 

And he said, Passengers mostly think that all an 
Engineer hath to do is to keep the train between the 
Fences of the Right of Way, and get in on Time. 
Behold, they consider not the Curves of either class. 
For a Railway is not all Tangents. 

And I considered and said, Thy business is like 
unto mine. For there be Railroad men who think 
that I have only to stand in the Pulpit one day in 
seven, and open my mouth and the Lord will fill it. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 



Behold, there are Curves as well as Tangents on my 
Right of Way, yea, Reverse Curves, and some 
Heavy Grades. 

And he said, I reckon it is so with every man's 
business. Though to another man it looketh like 
a Straight Line surveyed across the Map, yet to 
him that is on the inside, every business hath not 
only its Tangents but its Curves. 

And we took each other by the Right Hand, and 
we bowed low and said our Salaams, and I bade him 
Farewell and Departed. And each of us knew that 
the other man's job was like unto his own. 

THE HIGH COST OF LIVING 

Now the word of Keturah came unto me saying, 
Hie thee unto the shop of the Grocer, and buy thou 
for me a Pound of Butter, and certain Other Things 
whereof I have written down a List. 

So I went unto the shop of the Grocer. And 
there entered an Husbandman with Money in his 
Pocket and more in the Bank. And he spake unto 
the Grocer, and he boasted, and he said, Behold, I 
have sold my Wheat at the Government Price, and 
Believe Me, it was Some Price. Yea, and I got 
Eighty Three for my Oats, and One Twenty Seven 
for my Corn. And he was Very Proud of what he 
supposed he had done. 



io THE WIT AND WISDOM 

And he spake to the Grocer, and said, Give unto 
me a Package of Oatmeal, and behold here is thy 
Dime. 

And the Grocer said, The Oatmeal which was 
once a Dime is now Fifteen Cents. 

And the Husbandman said, It is an Outrage; I 
will not pay it. Give me a Breakfast Food made of 
Wheat. 

And the Grocer said, That will cost thee more. 

And he said, Let me have Corn Flakes. 

And the Grocer said, That also is Fifteen Cents. 

And the Husbandman said, The Grocers are Rob- 
bers, and the Millers are Thugs ; and they are in a 
Conspiracy to Rob the Poor Farmer, whose indus- 
try feedeth them all. 

And he was wroth, and he departed. 

And he considered not the price at which Ihe had 
sold his Wheat and his Corn and his Oats. 



THE DOUGHNUT 

Now I entered the Kitchen, and would have 
passed through. But Keturah was there; so I 
waited: and she cast Divers Things into a Great 
Bowl, and did stir them with a Great Spoon. 

And I asked her, saying, What hast thou in the 
Bowl? 

And she said, Sugar and Spice, and all that's nice. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE n 

And I said, That is what God used when He 
made thee. 

And she took the Dough out of the Bowl, when 
she had stirred it, and she rolled it with a Rolling- 
Pin; and she cut it into round cakes. And in the 
midst of every several cake was there an Hole. And 
a great Caldron hung above the Fire, and there was 
Fat therein and it boiled furiously. 

And Keturah took the round Cakes of Dough, 
and cast them into the Caldron ; and she poked them 
with a Fork, and she turned them, and wftien they 
came forth, behold I knew then what they were. 
And the smell of them was inviting, and the appear- 
ance of them was exceeding good. And Keturah 
gave me one of the Doughnuts, and Believe Me, 
they were Some Doughnuts. 

And I said, To what purpose is the Hole? If the 
Doughnut be so good with a part Punched Out, 
how much better had it been if the Hole also had 
been Doughnut ! 

And Keturah answered and said, Thou speakest 
as a Foolish Man, who is never content with the 
goodness that is, but always complaineth against 
God for the lack of the Goodness which he thinketh 
is not. If there were no Hole in the Doughnut, 
then were it like unto Ephraim, a cake not turned. 
For, though the Cake were Fried till the Edges 
thereof were burnt and hard as thy Philosopher's 



12 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

Stone, yet would there be uncooked Dough in the 
middle. Yea, thou sihouldest then break thy teeth 
on the outer rim of every Several Doughnut, and 
the middle part thereof would be Raw Dough. 

And I meditated much on what Keturah had told 
me. And I considered the Empty Spaces in Human 
life; and the Desolation of its Vacancies; and how 
men's hearts break over its Blank Interstices. Arid 
I pondered in my soul whether God doth not know 
that save for these our lives would be like unto 
Ephraim. 

And I spake of these things to Keturah, and she 
said, My lord, I know not the secret of these mys- 
teries. Yea, mine own heart acheth over some of 
the Empty Places. But say unto the sons of men 
that he who useth not the good things which he 
hath but complaineth against his God for those he 
lacketh, is like unto a man who rejecteth a Dough- 
nut because he Knoweth not the Mystery of the 
Hole. 



THE MAN IN THE UPPER BERTH 

There was a day when I took a journey, and I 
rode in a Car of Juggernaut, even a Sleeping Car. 
And I had bought my Railway Ticket and my Pull- 
man Ticket, and paid the War Tax. And I had a 
Lower Berth, and was content. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 13 

And there came into the Car a Passenger who 
had a Ticket for an Upper Berth. And he was 
wroth. And he Spake much concerning it, so that 
all that were in the Car heard what he said. And 
he spake saying : 

I'd like to know what kind of a One Horse Road 
this is that can't put on Cars enough to give its 
Patrons Decent Service. For I have never slept 
before in an Upper Berth, and I like it not. 

Now, the man who hath never slept in an Upper 
Berth hadi not slept many times in a Lower Berth. 
And I looked at the Passenger, and I suspected that 
it was from Motives of Economy he had taken the 
Upper Berth, and that if he had bought a Lower 
Berth he would have gone Without Breakfast. 

Wherefore I let him talk till he had told all who 
were in the car how sad he was at having to sleep in 
an Upper Berth. And I said to him : 

I have a ticket for a Lower Berth, and it cost me 
One Dollar more than an Upper Berth, and the War 
Tax is another Dime. I will Exchange Berths with 
thee, and thou mayest give to me a Dollar and Ten 
Cents. 

And he began with shame to Side Step mine offer. 
And he said, — 

I could not think of accepting a Favor at the 
expense of thy Comfort. 

And I said, I shall be Comfortable in the Upper 



14 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

Berth, and the more so for the Comfort thou art 
to have in the Lower One. 

And I called to the Ethiopian who accompanied 
that Chariot, and I said, Move my things to Upper 
Seven, and give this man Lower Six ; and come thou 
with thy Fire Escape, and I will go up. 

But the Passenger began to Sweat, so that Cold 
Drops stood on his Forehead, and he said, 

I thank thee just as much, but I am Running a 
Little Short on my Expense Account; and if it is 
all the same to thee, I will Go Up Stairs and save 
my Dollar Ten. 

And I said, Peace go with thee. 

And the other Passengers began to Snigger. 

And he Went Up Very Soon, and was glad to go. 

And one of the Other Passengers came nigh unto 
me, and he Laughed, and said, 

Thou didst Sure Get His Number. 

And I said, The man who hath Little at home is 
the man who Kicketh when he goeth abroad. And 
he who Complaineth Loudly at the Small Discom- 
forts of Travel is he who is Getting all he is paying 
for, and more than he can afford. 

And he said, I had not thought of it on this wise, 
but I verily believe thou art right. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 15 

WHEN BUSINESS WAS REALLY GOOD 

I have a friend who is a Manufacturer. And I 
met him on a Certain Day, and I said, How doth it 
fare with thee in thy Business ? 

And he answered and said, I have more Business 
than I can do. Men Stand in Line to give me or- 
ders, and ask no Questions about Price. 

And I said, Thou oughtest to be an Happy Man, 
but thou wearest a Look of Care. 

And he said, This thing of getting orders Too 
Easily is not What it is Cracked Up to be. I De- 
sire again the Good Old Days when Business was 
Business. 

And I said, Tell me more about it. 

And he said, There be many things about it that 
I like not. One thing is this, that it hath Disor- 
ganized my Selling Force so that not in Ten Years 
shall I have it back in its old time Efficiency. 
There was a time when my Traveling men Covered 
the Land from Dan to Beersheba and from Boston 
to Denver, and they were known in every Whole- 
sale House in the Land. They laughed at Fatigue, 
and at Competition did they Mock. They taught 
reluctant buyers to Eat out of Our Hand, and they 
Practiced the Painless Extraction of Orders from 
Merchants till their Salesmanship became a Fine 
Art. Now do those same Traveling Men sit in 



16 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

mine office with their feet on their desks, and treat 
Insolently the same Merchants who come in to 
Plead with them for Goods. It is Not Good for a 
Salesman nor for a Business that it should be on this 
wise. Therefore do I desire the good old days when 
Business was Business, when we knew we had the 
Goods and Had to Get Rid of them, and our Sales- 
men had to Get Up and Dust or Get off the Payroll. 

And I meditated much of these things. And I 
said, 

I am well persuaded that the Good God knew 
that it was not well for men to Achieve Success Too 
Easily. Therefore will I the more Patiently Per- 
form my Part in the Struggle of Life. For God 
hath put us in a world where he who achieveth 
Success must Go Out on the Road and Do Business. 



THE COFFEE AND THE DOUGHNUT 

Keturah saved a Little Mess of Fat without pro- 
faning any of the ordinances of Mr. Hoover, and 
she made Doughnuts. And she gave them to me at 
Breakfast, and she said, Make much of them, for 
I know not when there will be more. 

And I said, Unto him that hath for his Breakfast 
Coffee and Sinkers, sufficient unto the day is the 
evil thereof. 

And as I was eating of the Doughnuts, Keturah 



OF SAFED THE SAGE ly 

said, My lord, all my Married Life have I endeav- 
ored to teach thee not to dip thy Doughnut in thy 
Coffee. And thou doest it still, yea, and every one 
of thy sons doeth it also, as he hath learned it from 
thee. And the same is not permitted in Polite 
Society. 

And I said, O thou fairest among women, and at 
times the most Unreasonable, why wilt thou mar a 
Sufficiently Satisfactory husband with overmuch 
of Perfectness? 

I neither Drink nor Swear nor Smoke nor Chew, 
and Heaven is my home. I covet no other man's 
wife, though I wish that thou hadst been born 
Twins that I might marry thee both. Thou well 
mightest tremble at thy husband's approach to 
Faultlessness. 

And Keturah answered, I have noticed no ap- 
proach either to the Faultlessness or to the 
Trembling. 

And I said, Then pay thou the more strict notice. 
For it were not well for thee that thy husband 
should be an overgrown Fauntleroy. I know a 
Machinist who declareth that the Ideally Perfect 
Machine would not run, but must have a Saving 
Element of Ramshackleness ; therefore must the 
Great Drive Wheels of the Locomotive be geared 
to an Eccentric. Behold now this Doughnut, that 
it doth attain to perfection by having in its center 



18 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

an Hole. Wherefore, be glad that thy husband 
hath the saving merit of a few small faults. 

And she said, My lord, I took thee for better and 
for worse. If then, thou must dip thy Doughnut 
in thy Coffee, I will make the best of it. 

HAVING ENOUGH 

There spake to me a man who said, My income 
is not enough. 

And I said, Thou art a Fortunate Man. 

And he said, Why dost thou say so ? 

And I said, Because thou hast the choice either 
of Earning More or Spending Less ; and when there 
be two ways of solving a problem, a man is For- 
tunate. Whereas I know a Poor Man who Owneth 
a Railroad and Earnestly Coveth Another; he is 
Poor, for he cannot get it. 

And he said, When I was a lad, I drove my 
father's cow to an Hired Pasture, for we lived in a ' 
Little Town. And other men in the same town be- 
sought me to drive their cows, and they gave me 
every one of them Ten Cents a Week; and their 
Cows were Five. And I thought How Happy I 
should be if there were Ten Cows and I could earn 
Every Week an Whole Dollar. And when I be- 
came older, of about the age of Fourteen, then did 
I hire myself in the springtime to a Farmer to Plant 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 19 

Potatoes ; and we cut the Seed Potatoes so that on 
Every Piece there were Two Eyes, and we planted 
Forty Acres of them. And we dropped the potatoes 
where the Marker had crossed the soft furrow, one 
potato for every step as we walked, and with the 
eyes up, and we stepped on each potato as we walked 
to press it firmly into the soft earth. And I worked 
for him Eleven Days, and received Five Dollars 
and the Half of a Dollar; and I reflected that if 
Potato Planting could last All Summer then might 
I earn Thirteen Dollars every Month. And the 
year I was Seventeen, I hired myself to an Hus- 
bandman from the eighteenth day of the sixth 
month to the first day of the eleventh month for 
Eighty Dollars, which was almost Sixteen Dollars 
a month. And when the eleventh month came, I 
drew my money, and bought me a New Suit of 
Clothes with a pair of Gorgeous Suspenders and a 
Beautiful Necktie, yea and a wondrous Overcoat 
and a pair of Dogskin Gloves which I called Kid. 
And I had Forty Seven Dollars left, and it was too 
much to trust to Any One Bank, lest it Break. 

And I said to him, What is thine Income Now ? 

And he said, The Government of the United 
States hath lately asked me the Same Question, and 
when I told them, they struck me for a sum that 
made mine Hair Stand on End. I knew not till then 
how Poor is the man who is as Rich as I. 



THE WIT AND WISDOM 



And I said, The Holy Scriptures call down a 
Blessing on the man who Considereth the Poor; I 
will bless also the man who, however Poor he is, 
Considereth himself Rich. For thou wast Rich 
when thou dravest cows to Pasture, and hast been 
rich ever since if thy Mind hath been at peace with 
God and man and thou hast had enough to pay thine 
Honest Debts. 

And I spake to him this proverb of the men of 
Arabia, Who is richer, he that hath a Million Dol- 
lars or he that hath Seven Daughters? 

And he said, Tell me the answer. 

And I said, The man who hath Seven Daughters 
is the Richer ; for he hath enough, and knoweth it. 

THE WOMEN AND THEIR CARFARE 

There runneth through the City wherein I reside, 
a System of Trolley Cars, and there be those 
wherein one shall Pay as he Entereth, and some 
there be of the Other Kind. And I was riding in 
one of the Other Kind. And over against where I 
sat were Two Women. 

And as they entered, they began both of them 
Diving deep, each one of them into her Bag, to find 
her Purse, or to Appear to be Trying to Find it. 
And as they Dove, each into her own Bag, thus they 
spake one to another, saying, Let me pay, I pray 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 



thee; Nay, but thou shalt let me pay; I am sure 
thou didst pay the last time ; It is my Turn. 

And with many such words spake they one to 
another. 

But they found neither of them her Purse. 

So they Dove both of them, and talked fast, say- 
ing, Let me pay. 

And one of them ceased to Dive, but spake unto 
the other, saying, Oh well, thou mayest pay, and I 
will pay the next time. 

And the other one was Disappointed, for that was 
what she had intended to say, but the first one Beat 
Her To It. 

Then the one who had been permitted to pay 
quickly found her purse, and it was Very Small and 
Very Flat. And she opened it, and took out One 
Lone Nickel. And she began with a Very Red Face 
to say, 

I have enough for Myself; I have not enough 
for Both of Us. 

Then the first also grew Red in the Face, and 
she also found her Purse without any more Deep 
Diving, and she also produced a Nickel. 

And they paid each of them Her Own Fare. 

And there came a Coldness over the Meeting; 
neither did they speak much thereafter to each 
other. 



22 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

And when I had gone to mine own house, I told 
this Event unto Keturah. 

And Keturah said, Wherefore shouldest thou de- 
light in beholding the follies of women ? Have men 
no follies? 

And I held my peace. 



THE WINDMILL AND THE PUMP 

I have a friend who is an Husbandman, and I 
visited him upon his Farm, and tarried with him 
one night. And upon his Farm are Cattle and 
Swine and Horses. And he watereth them from a 
Deep Well wherein is a Pump, and the Pump 
runneth by a Windmill. 

And it came to pass after Supper that he spake 
unto a Swede that labored upon the farm, and he 
said, Ole, there is a Good Breeze tonight ; start thou 
the Windmill. 

And the Swede went forth into the Night, and 
loosened a Rod that runneth up to the Mill, and that 
holdeth the Tail against the Wheel so that the Wind 
driveth it not. But when the Rod is loosened, then 
the Tail swingeth around, and the Wheel cometh 
into the Wind, and the Wheel turneth to Beat the 
Band. And ere the Swede had returned to the 
house, we heard the Wheel running, and my friend 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 23 

said, On the morrow we shall have a Tank full of 
Water for the Livestock. 

Now the room where I slept was on the side of 
the house toward the Windmill, and when I 
wakened in the night, it was Running like the Wind, 
and I said, Verily it will pump the well dry at that 
rate. 

But when we went out in the morning, behold, 
there was no water. For the Pump had been Dis- 
connected from the Mill, and the Swede saw not in 
the Darkness that the Connecting Pin was out; 
wherefore he connected it not. And the mill had 
run all night and the Tank was empty. 

Now when I beheld this, I thought of many men 
whom I know, whose Windmill goeth around con- 
tinually, and who are always Creaking their Boots 
to show that they are Among Those Present, and 
who talk long and earnestly about Earnestness and 
Efficiency and the Rest, but it Cutteth no Ice, and it 
Draweth no Water. Now these be good men, whose 
minds are Responsive to the Winds of God, and 
their Capacity for doing something is as Excellent 
as that of the Pump, but between the Wheels that 
God driveth and the Pump of their own endeavor, 
there lacketh an adjustment. 

And I have often wondered how it should be that 
in the mechanism of some good men there would 
seem to have been evidenced the blunder of some 



24 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

Sleepy Swede, fumbling in the dark, and putting 
the Wheel in Gear, but failing to connect the Pump. 
And this is the word that I spake in the ears of men, 
Count it not a sure sign of efficiency that the Wheel 
goeth round and the Pump is in order ; be thou sure 
the Wheels of thy Head are hitched to the Pump of 
thy Performance. 



THE NEW RECIPE 

There was a morning when I rose from my bed, 
and looked at the sunrise, and thanked God that 
I was alive, even as I do each day. And I descended 
and came down, and ate my breakfast. And behold 
upon the table there were Doughnuts. Now if 
there be Doughnuts, I eat of them, but they minish 
not in any wise the other things that I eat, for I eat 
of them last. 

And I said unto Keturah, Hast thou bought 
Sinkers from the Market? For I had not smelled 
the cooking of them. 

And she said, I have not; for I value my peace 
of mind and the good will of my husband. I made 
these. Yea, and I made them by a New Recipe. 

And I said, Wherefore wilt thou try New Recipes 
when already thy Doughnuts are perfect? 

And she said, It is not thus that thou dost preach, 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 25 

for thou dost ever exhort men to do better and 
better. 

And I said, Thine aspiration to have things better 
and better is thine only fault. Thou dost even try 
to have it so with thy Husband. 

And she said, Yea, and thus far I have done very 
well in the matter of his improvement. 

So I ate of the Doughnuts, and I said, Behold, 
these are just like all of thy Doughnuts. 

And she said, I am glad that thou dost think so. 
For they are so made that they absorb less Fat; 
therefore are they the more Wholesome. 

And I said, Go not too far with me in that 
Wholesome stunt ; I do not want things too Whole- 
some; I can digest anything save it be Health 
Foods. 

And she said, My lord, when I try a New Recipe, 
thus do I try it. I consider all the things that I have 
been wont to use that I know are good, and if I 
find in the New Recipe some other good thing, that 
also do I put in. 

And I said, Keturah, thou hast the finest idea of 
Progress to be found in any cook on earth. For 
thou goest ahead, but thou playest not far from thy 
Base. 

And I said, If all reformers would learn of thee, 
then would the Millennium come sooner. 



26 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

And she said, I am glad that thou dost like the 
new Doughnuts. 

And I verily did like them. For they had one 
ingredient that change th not, and that is Keturah. 

For, believe me, her Doughnuts are Some 
Doughnuts. 

GRINDSTONE AND SCYTHE 

There came to me one of the sons of the prophets. 
And I bade him enter, and he came in and made 
obeisance and sat down. And he said unto me, I 
have need of thy wisdom. For I minister to a 
Little Congregation, and behold they are Stiff- 
necked and Hard of Heart. And albeit I preach to 
them Faithfully, yet do they not heed. Yea, and 
the more earnestly I preach, the fewer of them come 
to hear me. 

And his heart was hot and sore, and I looked on 
him and mine heart was sad for him. 

And I asked him what he had been preaching 
about, and what were the duties that he had been 
exhorting his people to attain unto. 

And I discovered that he had an Hobby, which 
he rode incessantly, so that in nearly every Sermon 
he did mount it and make at least one circle round 
the ring. And it did not happen to be the Hobby 
of his people. Nay, it was of such a nature that 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 27 

they Disliked it and Resented it. And the more he 
preached on that subject the less they cared to do 
that duty or any other. 

And I said unto him, When I was a lad, I visited 
my Grandsire, who did live on a farm. And he 
was an aged man. And he had a Scythe which he 
desired to sharpen, that he might cut Thistles in 
the Pasture. And he desired to Grind the Scythe. 

And he commanded me to Turn the Grindstone, 
which I did, but I liked it not. 

And my Grandsire was aged, and his sight was 
not good, and he had left his Glasses in the house. 

Now after we had ground the Scythe until it 
should have been sharp, he took it and looked at 
the edge thereof, and behold, the edge was like unto 
that of a Saw. 

And he sent me unto the House that I might 
bring unto him his Glasses, and he examined the 
Grindstone, and there was in the surface of it a 
Small Flinty Stone, as large as the head of a Pin. 
And every time that stone came around, it made a 
nick in the thin edge of the Scythe. And he took 
an Hammer and a Cold Chisel, and Cut Out the 
Small Flinty Stone. Then did we grind the Scythe 
again, and the stone ground all parts of the edge 
evenly so that it was sharp. And it cut the Thistles 
good and plenty. 

And I said unto the son of the prophets, The 



28 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

preacher who hath in his mind any one Notion or 
Idea or Doctrine or Duty which he feeleth called 
upon to air in every sermon, behold he is like unto 
a Grindstone with a Small Flint that maketh a Nick 
whenever he turneth the Crank. 

And I said unto him, Go thou back, and as for the 
doctrine and duty which thou hast preached so un- 
remittingly, take thy Cold Chisel and from thy 
sermons of the next year, Cut It Out. 

And he had sense enough to follow my Advice; 
which is not true of all people who come to me that 
they may obtain it 

And he and his people lived happily ever after. 

THE BAD BOY 

There came to me a Mother, and she said, O 
Safed, thou great and wise man, have pity on thine 
handmaiden, for I am in sorrow. Thou knowest 
my Boy. He is fourteen years old. When he was 
a Baby, he was the Cutest Little Thing thou didst 
ever see. 

And I said, I remember. 

And she said, And when he was a Little Boy he 
was lovely. 

And I said, Thou speakest truly. 

And she said, But now I hardly know him. He 
is Noisy, and Rude, and Inattentive, and Heedless; 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 29 

and he Learneth not his Lessons, and when I re- 
prove him he laugheth, and saith, I Should Worry. 
Tell me, O Safed, what shall I do? 

And I said, Worry not. 

And she said, I cannot help it. Was there ever 
such a boy? 

And I said, George Washington, when he was 
fourteen, did not always wash himself behind his 
ears. And Julius Caesar when he was fourteen was 
not always reverent in Sunday School. And Wil- 
liam Shakespeare when he was fourteen got excused 
from his work to attend the funeral of his grand- 
mother, and on that day watched a ball-game. And 
Simon Peter when he was fourteen was one day 
absent from school on account of Serious Illness, 
but recovered sufficiently to watch the bobbing of a 
cork upon the water of a little creek what runneth 
into the Sea of Galilee hard by Capernaum. 

And she said, Do the books tell of that? 

And I said, Nay, but I know that it is so, for 
I know boys. 

And she said, O Safed, it doeth me great good to 
hear thee ; and it restoreth my faith in my boy. 

And she rose to go. But she turned back, and she 
said, 

O Safed, when thou wast fourteen, what kind 
of a boy wast thou ? 

And I said, If I tell thee that I was a Model thou 



30 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

wilt be sorry to think I was not like other boys; 
and if I tell thee that I was like other boys thou 
wilt think I was not a Model. But if I tell thee not, 
then canst thou have the joy of thinking either of 
those" things or both. 

So I bade her Salaam, and she went out. 

And it was Lucky for me that she did not ask 
Keturah. 



THE RIVER AND THE FLOOD 

I have a friend who dwelleth in a City that is 
builded beside a Great River, even the Ohio. And 
there are times when the Bottom of that River get- 
teth upon the Top so that the Boats have Hard 
Work not to Puncture their Tires. But there are 
other times when the River Riseth as Jordan over- 
floweth all his Banks, and then there is Something 
Doing. 

Now I visited my friend as the Winter drew to an 
end, and the River began to Rise. And the Ice 
went out in Great Cakes that swam in the Yellow 
Water, and the Backwaters were in all the Valleys 
and over the Lowlands, and the Morning Papers 
told every day that it was Two Feet higher at Pitts- 
burgh. And I stood beside the stream, and it flowed 
in a Wide Yellow Flood that no man could turn 
aside, and when I went away and came again, be- 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 31 

hold it washed the bank at a Higher Level. And 
the water came into the Street of the Town where 
I was, and still it rose. 

And I looked that the men of that city should 
have showed Fear. But they showed it not. And 
certain of them whose places of Business were near 
the Wharfboat spake of the water that was putting 
out the fires in their Basement, but they Stuck to 
Business on the Ground Floor, and when the water 
rose to the Ground Floor, they moved their Papers 
Upstairs and locked up and Took a Vacation for a 
few days. 

And day by day the Water Rose, till they did 
little Business in that town save the moving of 
property Upstairs and Waiting. 

Now I was Anxious, for it seemed as if the River 
would never Cease Rising. But there came a Morn- 
ing when the Paper said that the River had fallen 
Four Inches at Pittsburgh. Now behold it still was 
rising where we were, and it grew higher all that 
day and that night, so that the friend whom I visited 
moved out of his home and took me to the Hotel 
where he had reserved Rooms for us, and we lodged 
there. But all men spake cheerfully for they said, 
Though it rise another foot tonight, and put out 
the fires in the Hotel and the Printing Office and the 
Bank, yet tomorrow will it begin to Go Down. 

And it was even as they said. 



32 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

For I stood next day upon the Bank, and the 
River was miles in Width, but there was a Streak 
of Mud as it were an handbreadth wide above the 
water on the Shore. And the people began to 
Assemble their Mops, and prepare to Clean Up. 

Now it was a New Experience to me, but to them 
it was Familiar. And they knew the power of the 
water, and they knew the raging of the flood, and 
they knew that they could not stop it. But they 
possessed their souls with patience, for they said, 
It cannot rise forever, and its pride and fury will 
soon pass. 

And I prayed to my God that I might accept 
life's inevitable trials even as the men of that 
town accepted the flood. 

But if I go to live in that town, I want a Little 
Rainbow of Mine own. 

THE CROSSING-TENDER 

Now there is a Railway that runneth through the 
Town where I live, and there are Gates that are 
pulled down when a Train Goeth by. And one day 
when I would have crossed the Tracks, the Gates 
went down, so that I stopped. And I spake unto 
the man who keepeth the crossing, and I said, Lovest 
thou thy Job? 

And he said, I count myself lucky to have this 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 33 

Job, for I am neither young nor strong; neverthe- 
less mine is an Hard Job. 

And I said, Wherefore should thy Job be Hard ? 

And he said, Because I save people's lives, and 
they turn and curse me. 

And I said, That is strange, for they should love 
thee. 

And he said, They come down the Street break- 
ing the Speed Limit, and Honking for me to Lift 
the gates; or if they be on Foot they Duck Under. 
And when I warn them not to cross the Tracks lest 
they die, they act as if I were their Enemy. 

And I took him by the Hand, and I said, Thou 
art my Brother, and my Job is like unto thine. 

And he said, Not So You Could See It. Art thou 
not a Minister and a Philosopher ? 

And I answered, I am a Crossing-Tender. 
Where thou seest Yonder Spire, I tend a Crossing; 
and I say unto the Wicked, Go not in thine Evil 
Way, lest thou Die, but they continue to go as they 
did before. And I say unto the Heedless, Duck not 
under the Gate, lest evil befall thee ; but they Duck 
as they were wont to do. 

Now I had on my Best Clothes and the Crossing- 
Tender had on his Overalls, but we clasped hands, 
and he knew that we were Brothers. For my lot 
in life is even as his, and my Job hath the same 
Trials. 



34 THE WIT AND WISDOM 






Nevertheless, his is a good Job, and so is Mine. 
And every now and then we keep people on the 
Right Side of the Gate. 

So I considered this, and I thanked my God for 
my Job, and I resolved to do it as well as I could. 



THE BAY RUM 

I sat in the shop of a Barber, and the Barber cut 
my Hair, and trimmed my Beard. And there came 
a Seller of Barbers' Supplies and spake unto the 
Barber while the Barber did things unto me. And 
the Seller of Barbers' Supplies spake thus : 

Behold, I have brought unto thee a Sample of 
our New Brand of Bay Rum, which I wish thee to 
try, and see if it be not More Mild than any Bay 
Rum thou hast ever used. 

And the Barber spake unto me, saying, Shall I 
try it on thee ? 

And I said, Go to it. I will Try Anything Once. 

And he put the New Brand of Bay Rum upon my 
Face and upon my Neck. 

And he said to me, How dost thou find it? Is it 
indeed Mild? 

And I answered, Thou hast said it. It is so mild 
that I know not if it be Bay Rum or Rain Water. 

And the Seller of Barbers' Supplies answered 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 35 

and said, If thou must have it Bite, I might have 
put in Red Pepper. 

And I said, Nay, I care not for the Bite in Itself, 
but it seemeth to me that the High Cost of Living 
had Hit the Bay Rum Industry, so that the New 
Brand hath come from Lake Michigan. 

And I said, Mildness is All Right in Its Place. 
A little mildness now and then is relished by the 
Best of Men; but if I pay Real Money unto the 
Barber, I desire that there be some evidence that 
he giveth me the Real Stuff, and not something out 
of the Rain Water Barrel. I would rather be hurt 
with something that is to do Me Good than be 
mollified by that which shall Harm me or Profit me 
Nothing. 

So I left the shop of the Barber, and I went to 
mine House, and I sat me down to prepare Wise 
Words to speak to the people on the Sabbath. 

And it was in mine heart to speak unto them in 
all Gentleness, for I love them, and they are very 
good to me. But I heard the voice of God saying 
unto me, Cry aloud, spare not, lift up thy voice like 
a trumpet, and show my people their transgressions, 
and this congregation their sins. 

And I did as God spake unto me, and I called 
them to repentance and a new life. 

And they said unto me, Now that was the way to 



36 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

preach. We desire sermons that have Some Punch 
in them. 

And I reflected that they would rather be hurt 
by that which was to do them good than be pleased 
with that which would harm them or profit them 
nothing. 

THE COLLECTION OF GENIUSES 

There came to our city a Woman who called often 
at the house where we abide, and she counted her- 
self a friend of Keturah. And I asked of Keturah, 
saying, Is this Susie person married or single? 

And Keturah answered, Both. 

And I said, It is just about what I should have 
expected. 

And Keturah said, She hath many of the marks 
of Genius, and she knoweth many persons who are 
Geniuses. Yea, and she hath invited us to spend an 
evening with her and meet a Group of her Friends, 
all of whom are Geniuses in their way. 

So we went, I and Keturah, and we spent an 
evening in the Flat of Susie. And she trotted out 
her Geniuses. 

And there was a Poetess who wrote Vers Libre 
so wonderful that it could not be told from Prose. 
And there was a Musician who played his Violin 
after a new theory which maintained that Music 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 37 

should have neither Melody nor Harmony nor Key 
nor Time, but reach the Higher Levels of the Soul 
through Free Interpretation. And there was an 
Author, who had writ a Great Book, so profound 
that no Publisher could understand it or see the need 
of publishing it. And there was a woman who had 
a New Theory of Thought-Transmission, and an- 
other who would Revolutionize Education by In- 
terpreting Morals in terms of Music, and Music in 
terms of Color. 

And Susie introduced them to us, one by one, and 
I and Keturah were about the only people there who 
were not Geniuses. So they began every man and 
woman of them to tell us their Theories. 

And when we came away, we were that weary, 
we walked not, but ordered a Taxi. 

And Keturah said, It was a Great Social Triumph 
for Susie. 

And I answered, Yea. 

And Keturah said, And I was Bored. 

And I said, So was I, unless there be in the Dic- 
tionary some word which meaneth the same and 
then some. 

And I said, Keturah, Thou art no Genius, 
neither am I. But thou art mighty Good and Won- 
drous Sensible, and I am a Philosopher, which is, 
being interpreted, a man with Good Ordinary 
Common Sense. 



38 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

And Keturah said, An evening with a Choice 
Assortment of Geniuses is like unto a Feast in a 
Pickle Factory. 

And I said unto her, God hath need of mighty- 
few Geniuses; and as for a job lot like that we 
have met, it is of the Lord's mercies that they are 
not consumed. Let us be thankful that in this 
world are so large a number of Commonplace 
Sensible Folk. 

ON BEING INDEPENDENT 

The Ethiopian maiden who worketh in the 
Kitchen of Keturah sometimes singeth. And when 
she singeth not, then we know that something hath 
Gone Wrong. 

And there came a time when she sang not. And 
Keturah said, Peradventure she hath had another 
Hard Luck Letter from her home in the land of 
the South, and she must send them all her wages 
again. 

And the maiden came unto Keturah and she wept 
much, and she said: 

Alas, my Mistress. I must leave thee. For I am 
to be Married. 

And Keturah asked her, Wherefore dost thou 
marry? 

And she said, I know not. For thou hast been 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 39 

most kind to me, and I never was so Happy before. 
Yea, and my lord Safed, I shall miss him for I help 
him to hoe among the Hollyhocks in the place where 
we go in the Summer, where the Lake is and the 
Great Pine Trees. But this man loveth me. Yea, 
his mother and his sisters have besought him not 
to marry me, for I am black and comely, but to 
marry a Yaller Gal instead. And there is no Nigger 
in these Newnited States worth Seven Dollars a 
week to me. Yet hath he chosen me in preference 
to the Yaller Gal, and I have promised to marry 
him. 

Now when we heard this, I and Keturah, we 
wished that his mother and his sisters had let him 
alone, for then peradventure he had married the 
Yaller Girl. 

So Keturah gave the maiden her blessing, and 
she departed very sorrowful. 

Then did Keturah go to a place called an In- 
telligence Office, though I know not why they called 
it so, and they sent unto her a Long Procession of 
Maidens. And we suffered many things from many 
of them and were nothing better but rather worse. 

And Keturah sat down and mourned for the days 
when we were first married, when she did her Own 
Cooking, and when I Split the Wood for the 
Kitchen Stove. 

And I meditated much on how our Prosperity 



40 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

had made us Dependent upon Servants and upon 
the Fragile Comforts of these Less Strenuous 
Years. 

Now I have traveled in far lands, even in Egypt 
and in Arabia, and in the lands that border upon 
the Great Sea. And in Arabia they have a Proverb 
which saith: 

He that hath a Partner hath a Master. 

So I gave heed and made another proverb like 
unto it, and I Pasted it Upon the Mirror of Keturah. 

And the Proverb pertaineth not to women only, 
but to All who seek to be free from the cares of life 
by the Possession of Greater Abundance. For it 
worketh not so. 

And this is the proverb that I made in the days 
when the Ethiopian had left us, and we had many 
Candidates for her place — 

She that hath a Servant hath a Mistress. 

For no man can ever be Independently Rich ; but 
a man might perchance be Independently Poor. 



THE TIME FOR WEARINESS 

There came to me the Notable Men of the Con- 
gregation where I serve, and they said unto me, 

Safed, thou dwellest too far from the Synagogue. 
Behold, we have prepared for thee an House hard 
by the Synagogue. Come thou and Keturah and 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 41 

thine Household, and all that thou hast, and dwell 
in the House that we have prepared for thee. 

Then were our hearts glad. For we had lived 
for the space of three years in an Hired House; and 
for all it had been Comfortable, it had not been 
Home. And we found it a place of Weeds, and we 
left it with an Hedge of Hollyhocks round about it. 

Now there was an Ethiopian maiden in the 
kitchen of Keturah, and at that time her Sister-in- 
law's mother fell Sick. And she left us for a Sea- 
son. And while she was gone, even during the time 
of the Moving, Keturah hired another Ethiopian, 
whose name was Lottie. And she was in her stature 
a Giantess, and in her disposition a Mule. And 
Keturah was as a Child beside her. And Lottie was 
Insolent, and Idle; and the more Idle she was per- 
mitted to be the more Insolent she became. And 
Keturah stood in fear of her. 

And the children of Keturah said, 

Fire her; and let her not have dominion over 
thee ; for she is an Ogress and a Savage. 

But Keturah said, Not till after the Moving, 
lest a worse thing befall me. 

And the days of the moving came. There came 
likewise the days of the Packing. There came like- 
wise the days of the Unpacking. And men came 
and, did what they could be hired to do; for the Men 
of my Congregation are generous men, and they 



42 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

said, Labor not thou nor Keturah, but Hire it Done, 
and we will Pay for it. 

And we sought to do even as they said, for they 
are Generous Men. But there was much hard work 
to be done. 

And I spake harshly to Lottie, and said, Take 
thou hold of this box and lift with me. 

And she said, Yassir. 

And she lifted. 

And I said, Go thou to the Basement and bring 
me hither an Hammer and see that thou hasten. 

And she said, Yassir. 

And she went and came again. 

And the more harshly I spake, the More Meek 
she became. And I was minded to be harsh with 
her, for being Insolent to Keturah. And the harder 
she worked, the more Amiable she got. 

And this continued for the space of Two Weeks, 
till we were settled in the new home. And Lottie 
was Gentle, and Obedient, and Mighty Useful. 

And Keturah beheld with great admiration. 

And it came to pass on the Afternoon of the Sec- 
ond Saturday, that I spake kindly to Lottie, and I 
said, Lottie, art thou not Tired? 

And she Laughed Loud and Long, and she said, 

I Nebbah Gits Tard Till I Sets Down. 

Now when she thus spake I almost loved Lottie. 
For I have known so many good people who Start 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 43 

Something, and Get Tired Almost Immediately. 
And I composed a Blessing for those who are like 
Lottie in this, that Hard Work appalleth them not, 
and they are Not Quitters. And this the blessing : 
Blessed are they who having begun a Good Work 
Do Not Get Tired till the Work is Done, and They 
Sit Down. 



THE HOME OF THE SPARROW 

There is a Great City, and there runneth a Street 
through the midst thereof, and on this side of the 
Street and on that are High Buildings. And some 
of them are like unto the Tower of Babel. And 
one of those buildings is named for the man who 
Discovered America. And upon the front of the 
building, even above the Main Entrance, and High 
above the Sidewalk, is a Graven Image of Chris- 
topher Columbus. 

And I sat in that Building, beside a Window that 
looketh out as if Christopher Columbus had stepped 
through it to where his Image standeth. 

And it was Winter. And the wind was Cold, and 
the snow Blew down the street. 

And under the garment of Christopher Colum- 
bus, and hard by one of his legs, was a Sparrow. 
And he had found for himself a place About as 
Snug and Comfortable as any bird could find out 



44 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

of doors on That Kind of a day. And he was 
sheltered from the Wind and from the Snow. 

And the Sparrow was nigh unto the Window, so 
that I might almost have put forth my hand and 
taken him inside, but he was better off where he 
was. And the Sparrow saw me, and I saw the 
Sparrow, and we looked long at each other, and 
neither of us was afraid of the other. 

And the Sparrow said within his heart, It is for 
Me that this building hath been erected, and this 
Statue lifted high, with this cozy place for a Shelter 
from the Storm. To this end did Christopher 
Columbus cross the Ocean, that he might have this 
Building named for him, and that I might have 
shelter. 

Now when the bird spake thus in his heart, and 
I saw and understood the intent thereof, I did not 
chide the Sparrow, for I myself have had Just as 
Little Thoughts of the Providence of God and the 
Answer of my Prayers as the Sparrow. And while 
it was all Very Foolish, I am not so sure that it 
was as Foolish as it would have been to Stay out in 
the Storm till the Sparrow had learned For What 
Other Purpose Christopher Columbus crossed the 
Ocean, or for me to question too curiously What 
Larger Meaning there may be in the Providence of 
God. 

Then said I, Oh, my God, I am of more value 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 45 

than many Sparrows, but I do not know much 
more than they, and some men know less. The 
Sparrow hath found her an House, and the Swallow 
a Nest in the Protecting Shelter of Thine Altars, 
and they know not that those Altars have any Other 
use. I do not know much more about thy Provi- 
dences than that Sparrow knoweth about Chris- 
topher Columbus, but I know that when the Blast 
of the Terrible ones is as a Storm Against the Wall, 
Thou dost keep him in Perfect Peace whose mind 
is stayed on Thee. 

CRUMBS AND BUBBLES 

Now I was meditating on the things that seem to 
be Trivial and how when they are many, they be- 
come an Heap so that they Block the Amenities of 
Life. 

And I listened and I heard the Patter of Little 
Feet, and I stopped my work, and the daughter of 
the daughter of Keturah ran into mine arms, and 
pulled my Beard, and kissed me upon both of my 
cheeks and once beside, and she said : 

Grandpa, on this day I am Three Years Old, and 
behold there hath been given unto me a Doll, and a 
Cake with Three Candles thereupon. 

And I said unto her, It was a glad day when God 
sent thy Mother unto us, and another glad day 



46 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

three years ago when He did send thee ; and behold 
the years have gone so fast that when I hold thee in 
mine arms, I know not if it be thee or thy mother. 

And she said, Grandpa, Behold it Snoweth. Take 
me out that I may behold the Snow. 

So I took her out, wrapped in her Double Gar- 
ments, and she rejoiced in the Snow. And she 
beheld how it came down in her face in what she 
called Little Bubbles, for they melted straightway, 
and how it fell upon my coat in what she called 
Little Crumbs. 

For it is on this manner that she fitteth the words 
that she knoweth to her New Experiences, and oft 
do I marvel at the way in which she findeth a word 
for the thing she hath not known. And I considered 
her use of the words Bubbles and Crumbs of Snow. 
And we went within the house, and watched through 
the window, and we saw the Snow strike the win- 
dow in Bubbles, and fall outside in Crumbs. And 
the Crumbs and the Bubbles were both Very Little 
Things. 

Now when the morning was come, Behold the 
Snow was piled at my door in a Great Drift. And 
I listened, and behold there were no Trains, and I 
waited, and behold there were no Mails. And cer- 
tain of my neighbors had no Coal and could not 
get it. 

And I considered, and said, Behold the Crumbs 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 47 

of Snow and the Bubbles of Snow that fell in the 
face of the Little Maiden, and on the Overcoat of 
her Grandfather. How small were they one by one, 
and behold they Stop the Trains. 

And I considered that it is even so with many 
things in life that are small in themselves, but when 
multiplied they become Habits that men cannot 
break, or Grievances that rend Friendships Asunder, 
even as Great Drifts are made of Bubbles and 
Crumbs of Snow. 



THE BARBER-SHOP 

I was grieved by the Follies and Sins of men. 
And it seemed to me that all men were Wicked and 
all women were Foolish. And there were certain 
days wherein there came to me men and women 
whose deeds merited reproof. And I reproved them 
sharply; yea, I told them every one his Sin. 

And there followed a day which was the Sabbath. 
And the thing had Got on my Nerve. And I went 
into the Sanctuary, and I stood up in the sight of 
the Whole Congregation, and I rebuked the people 
for their Backslidings and their Transgressions. 
And I feared not their faces ; neither spared I them 
in my chastisement. 

And certain of the congregation spake to me, 



48 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

saying, Thou didst Rub it In a Little Too Vigor- 
ously. 

And I said, Nay. I speak as the prophets of God 
must speak. I will not prophesy smooth things. I 
will Cry Aloud and Show the people their Trans- 
gressions. Yea, the Word of God in my mouth 
shall not be as it were a Mouth of Meal, but as a 
two-edged Sword, dividing asunder the Joints and 
Marrow, and Discerning the Thoughts and Intents 
of the Heart. 

Now on the morrow I said to Keturah, I go to 
the Barber-Shop. 

And Keturah said, Go, my lord. But another 
time go thou on the day that precedeth the Sabbath ; 
for thy hair and thy beard showed yesterday that 
they needed to be Trimmed. 

So I went to the Barber-Shop. And I sat on a 
Great Throne, with a Bib about me, while the 
Barber did his Duty. And I beheld, and there 
hung before me a Leathern Case wherein were 
many Razors ; and they were exceeding sharp. And 
upon the Shelf were many pairs of Shears. And 
beside these were certain pairs of Clippers. 

And I said to myself, Here also is a man who 
needeth Sharp Instruments in his Business, even as 
I do. 

And I Spake to the Barber, and I said, Behold, 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 49 

thou dost use in thy Business only the things that 
are Sharp. 

And the Barber answered and said, Not on thy 
Life. Thou hast another Think Coming. The 
Razor and the Shears and the Clippers represent 
only a small part of my Equipment. I use Cold 
Cream that sootheth; and Bay Rum that feeleth 
Mighty Good after a Shave; and Ointment that 
healeth wheresoever the Razor goeth over a place 
where the Skin hath any manner of Hurt. Yea, 
and I have Lotions and Talcum Powder, and Lots 
of Stuff to make a Fellow feel Good. Otherwise 
must I go out of Business. I could never Run this 
Shop with Sharp Instruments Alone. 

And I meditated much on what the Barber said 
to me. 

And I said to my soul, If the Barber needeth 
Healing Lotions and Emollients in his Business, 
much more do I. I will not attempt hereafter to 
run my business with Sharp Instruments only. 

And I knew that God had sent me to the Barber- 
Shop that I might learn this lesson. Yea, and also 
because I needed an Hair Cut. 

And I told it to Keturah. And Keturah spake to 
me and said, Tell it to all men who Preach : for 
among them are Many Men who possess as Little 
Wisdom as doth my lord. Yea, and there may be a 
few who know even less. 



5Q THE WIT AND WISDOM 

ON DUTY HALF DONE 

It was winter, and at Time of Snow. And some 
men Cleaned their Walks, and some did not. 

And the Sun shone out, and some of the Snow 
Melted, and some did not. And then straightway 
did it Freeze again. 

Now I have a neighbor who is always first to 
clean his walk. And I suspect that it is not because 
he feareth God or doth regard man, but that he 
may have wherewith to boast, and to vaunt himself 
against his neighbor. 

And I came to his walk, and behold, the water 
had melted and run down upon it, and frozen so 
that it was like Glass. And I did very nearly break 
my neck in that place. 

And on the next day I did meet him, and he spake 
ill concerning his neighbors. And he said, They 
have no Publick Spirit, neither do they clean their 
walks; but my walk is clean. 

And I said, Yea, it is clean, and it is the most 
Dangerous Walk in town. For they that left the 
snow, there may men walk safely; for that men's 
feet have trodden it roughly, and when it freezeth, 
then is it indeed a Hobbly Place, but men's feet 
slide not. But before a man setteth foot on thy 
walk, then should he buy more Accident Insurance, 
or a Gun. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 51 

And he said, What, dost thou reprove me for 
doing my duty, and for cleaning my walk? 

And I said, For a good deed I reprove thee not. 
But know this, that the reward for the doing of one 
duty is the privilege of doing another; and he who 
cleaneth his walk so that it is slippery, should keep 
a Coal-hod of Sand wherewith to sprinkle the walk. 

And he said, Dost thou make a virtue of the 
conduct of those who Lie in their Beds while I 
shovel my walk? 

And I said, I praise them not, neither do I think 
them virtuous. But there is no Vice like the half 
of a Virtue, nor any sin like a Duty half done. 

THE CATALOGUE OF FLOWERS 

Now there came to Keturah a Woman's Maga- 
zine. And it cometh once in Every Month. And 
the leaves of the Magazine bear Twelve Manner 
of Advertisements, one for every month. 

And it came to pass that while the snow was deep 
upon the ground, behold she was reading advertise- 
ments of Flowers and Seeds. And there was one 
advertisement which said, 

Send unto us a Dime and we will send to thee Six 
Packages of Seed, and a Wondrous Catalogue, and 
a Book that telleth thee All About the Garden. And 
Keturah sent the dime. 



52 THE WIT AND WISDOM 






And when the Catalogue came, behold it was 
covered on the inside and on the outside with 
Flowers of Wondrous Beauty. And it told of 
many kinds of Flowers, yea, and of Vegetables that 
may be grown in the Back Yard and reduce the 
High Cost of Living. And there was a Coupon 
that said, Buy from us the value of a Dollar, and 
this Coupon shall be as it were Twenty Five Cents 
of the Same. 

And Keturah did that also. 

And I said, Behold the ground is white with 
Snow, and deeply Frozen underneath it. 

And she said, Yea, I know that the ground is 
white with Snow, and that there is deep Frost 
underneath it. But the Seed Catalogue is a Sign of 
Spring. Yea, and Spring beginneth in mine own 
heart when I begin to plan for the Garden. 

And I considered the Hollyhocks that I tiad 
planted, and which lay deep under the snow. And 
I wondered how it fared with them, and whether 
there were Any New Kinds. 

And I said, Behold, there be many weary weeks 
before the Spring shall come, but I will send a 
Dollar with that of Keturah, and I will plant 
Hollyhocks in mine heart this day. 

So will I not wait till Spring to possess mine 
Hollyhocks : for behold they are mine already ; 
those in the Seed Catalogue, and those that be 
under the Snow. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 53 

THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF SEED 

We made a Garden, I and Keturah, for so have 
our forefathers done, even from the First of them, 
who was Fired from his Job. And we made a 
place for Flowers, and a Place for Vegetables. And 
wherever there was Room, there did I plant an 
Hollyhock. 

And we made a Bed, with Straight Rows across 
it, three hand-breadths apart, which is two parts 
of a Cubit. And in the Rows I planted Seed which 
I had bought from the Vendor. And when the 
Envelope wherein the seed came was Empty, then 
did I drive a Stake at the end of the Row, and 
thereon I Stuck the Envelope. 

And Keturah asked me, saying, Canst thou not 
remember that there be Three Rows of Radishes, 
and Two of Lettuce, and one of Onions, and the 
Rest? 

And I said, The Seeds are many, and they are 
very Small. We must expect not Too Much of 
them. How can each Seed know what it is to be? 
But now shall it know. For if it cannot Read Eng- 
lish, then may it look on the Envelope, and say, 
Behold I am to be like unto that Picture, and my 
name is Turnip. 

And Keturah said, It is for thyself thou dost place 



54 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

the Envelope so, that thou mayest know the plants 
from the Label and conceal thine own Ignorance. 

And I said, O Keturah, what is all the wisdom 
in the world save this, that by some tag or label 
placed here and there at the end of the Row, they 
that are wise conceal their Ignorance? For that 
Ignorance is very Vast, and it Shutteth Down about 
us on every side. There be men who know more 
about Seed than I do, so that they can tell a Radish 
Seed from a Lettuce Seed before they plant it. But 
who of them knoweth on the Law of Chances, that 
what seed Produced Radish last year shall not of 
the same kind of Seed produce this year Pumpkin 
Vines, each bearing in every Blossom a Pumpkin 
Pie? 

So I entered into mine House, and I sat me down, 
for I was weary, and I meditated much that God 
needeth not the Labels to remind Him what each 
Seed shall produce. And I marveled at the Miracle 
of Life, that every seed doth bring forth after its 
kind, so that even the Grain of Mustard Seed hath 
in it a Great Tree, and every package of Seed doth 
contain the Memory of God, yea, and every tiniest 
seed the Veracity of God. 

Now this human life is an Envelope, containing 
the Seed of a Nature which though it be mine own 
I understand but little. And I dimly Comprehend 
the Implications of Mine Own Soul when it seeketh 






OF SAFED THE SAGE 55 

to rise a little space above the Ground, and put forth 
Blossoms and Fruit. But I have felt within me 
Strong Impulses which Lift me Upward, and 
fashion Better Hopes in ways Higher than mine 
own understanding. And it doth not yet appear 
what I shall be, but some things I know. 



THE EASTER BONNET 

Keturah spake unto me, saying, The Spring hath 
come. 

And I answered, I have heard the Lark, and seen 
the Robin, and I have some Hollyhock seed that I 
intend to plant. 

And Keturah said, It is time for me to select a 
Spring Hat. 

And I said, Thou hast a Spring Hat. 

And she said, It is All Out of Style. 

And I said, What should that matter, so long as 
it becometh thee? 

And she said, It becometh me no more; it is not 
becoming in me to wear an Hat that is no longer 
in Style. 

And I said, The Styles are Ridiculous. 

And she said, Nay, they are fine ; yet if they were 
Ridiculous, that were no good reason for not wear- 
ing them. Wearest thou not Stiff Bosomed Shirts 



56 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

and an Hat a Cubit in height, the same being the 
most ridiculous things that humanity ever wore? 

And I said, Yea; but I wear my shirts until they 
are worn out; and my Hat requireth but one Iron- 
ing in a Year, and it lasteth alway. 

And I said unto her, Last season's hats were 
ridiculous, and the year is well spent in that it 
showed to women how ridiculous they were. And 
next year's styles are ridiculous, as every man 
knoweth who seeth a new fashion plate before he 
seeth the apparel on the women folk he loveth to 
see Dolled Out. And the present year's fashions 
are ridiculous, but thou knowest it not. 

And Keturah said, It is not knowing it that pre- 
venteth it from being ridiculous. 

And she bought the Hat, and it is Ridiculous; 
but on her it is Mighty Becoming. 



HOLLYHOCKS I DID NOT PLANT 

We lived three years in an hired house, both I and 
Keturah, while they builded the synagogue. And 
it was a new house wherein never man had lived, 
and the Land about it was Untilled, and grown to 
Weeds. But we caused the Grass to grow, and 
Divers Flowers. Yea, and I brought thither Holly- 
hocks, even the Hollyhocks which the Municipal 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 57 

Mower cut down, and the Three Hollyhocks which 
it spared, and divers other Hollyhocks. And three 
sides of the Garden were walled about with 
them, so that when a Stranger came and asked, 
Where is the house of Saf ed the Sage ? they would 
say unto him, Behold he dwelleth in the Place of 
the Hollyhocks. 

Now the building of the Synagogue was finished, 
and the men of my congregation purchased an 
House that joined hard to the Synagogue, and I and 
Keturah we came there and abode. And it was 
Winter, so that we knew not what manner of flowers 
were planted there. 

And when the Spring drew nigh, I spake often to 
Keturah, and said, The Hollyhocks that we planted 
where once the weeds were, behold they are ours no 
more. 

And the warm winds blew from the South, and 
the rains watered the earth, and there began to grow 
in the Garden of the house hard by the Synagogue 
Little Young Things that yet shall be flowers. Yea, 
and at the outer side of the Garden, lo, there were 
Hollyhocks growing. And there is a Window that 
openeth from the Room that is mine own, and be- 
side it I beheld that Young Hollyhocks were spring- 
ing. 

And I called unto Keturah, and she came, and I 
said, Behold the People who lived here before us 



58 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

were Good People, who Feared God and loved 
Beautiful Things. Behold the Hollyhocks whereon 
we have spent no labor. 

And Keturah answered and said, Verily, this is 
the reward of right living, that one passeth on to 
those who follow the fruits of the good which he 
doeth. For others shall enjoy the Hollyhocks of 
our planting, and we shall enjoy the Hollyhocks 
that were planted by those who were here before us. 

And I said, It is even so. And there are certain 
Good People who have Hollyhock seed, and they 
will send of it to me. And we will plant that also, 
and by the time we are through, this place shall 
have Hollyhocks that grow as Bulrushes grow in 
the land of Egypt. 

For the Hollyhocks grew in Palestine, even in the 
land where Jesus lived. And the seed thereof was 
brought into the lands on the hither side of the 
Mediterranean by the men who fought in the Cru- 
sades that they might win back the Sepulchre of 
Jesus. And they called it the Holy Hock. 

Wherefore after I am dead and gathered to my 
fathers shall men say when they come where I have 
lived, Behold these are the Hollyhocks that were 
planted by Safed, whom some men called the Sage. 
And others will know nothing of Safed, but the 
Flowers will be there. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 59 

HOLLYHOCKS I TRANSPLANTED 

The Winter was long and cold, and the Spring 
came timidly. Divers were sick of the people whom 
I loved, and some of them died. And we took the 
Easter Lilies from the House of God and laid them 
upon the new graves of those who were dear to us. 
And I went often to the place appointed for the 
dead, and beside every grave did I speak words of 
comfort, and in every grave did I bury a part of 
mine own heart. 

And I was weary and sad. And I said, Where- 
fore doth God take men away in the midst of their 
years? Why hath life so many sorrows? 

And it was the first Spring in our new home. And 
I went to the house where formerly we did live, and 
I said unto the people that dwell there, Give me, I 
pray, of the Hollyhocks that I have planted here; 
for there be enough for me and for you. 

And they said, Take what thou wilt ; are they not 
thine own? And for what thou dost leave we are 
grateful. 

So I digged among the Hollyhocks where they 
were thick, and took up those that were too 
Crowded. And I carried them carefully, and I 
brought them to the New Home that is hard by the 
House of God. 

But the Hollyhocks wot not what I did, and they 



60 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

complained. And I listened to them, and they an- 
swered me, saying : 

Behold thou didst plant us here, and we have 
grown and done well. Wherefore dost thou remove 
us? Do we not make this place Beautiful, so that 
we are instead of Weeds in this spot ? And behold 
our Roots, how thou dost rend them, and lay them 
bare, and do them Violence. Why are thy ways un- 
equal, and wherefore dost thou destroy the Holly- 
hocks of thine own planting? 

And the Hollyhocks knew not that I had a place 
prepared for them, neither did they understand that 
they were to blossom more abundantly in my garden 
hard by the House of God. 

PARABLE OF THE SHORE DINNER 

The Winter went out like a Lamb, but the Spring 
came in like a Lion. And there came a day that 
blustered, and the night was Furious. And we went 
to a Restaurant for Dinner. For the Ethiopian 
maiden had married the man who chose her instead 
of the Yellow Gal. 

And I said, Keturah, let us not flee from the cold, 
for next summer that is what we shall be seeking; 
yea, we will then rejoice whenever we shiver. For 
this is the great folly of mankind that in Winter 
they are happy when they Swelter and in Summer 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 61 

they are thankful when they Freeze. Now will we 
reverse the process. It is a fine, large night. Let 
us go down to the Beach and have a Shore Dinner. 
Behold, this is Friday. 

Now we came to the Restaurant, and we looked 
over the Bill of Fare. And I spake to the Waitress, 
and I said, Bring unto us Clam Chowder. 

And as we ate, we said, This is the Real Thing. 
Behold how the sunlight doth play across the waters 
of Narragansett Bay. 

And I said unto the Waitress, Bring unto us 
Planked Whitefish. 

And she brought in a Whitefish on a Plank, with 
mashed Potatoes all around it Ringwise. 

And as we ate it, I said, Beautiful is the Island 
of Mackinac. Here blow the winds from Three 
Lakes, and tonight I feel no Oppressive Heat. How 
lovely it is to escape hither and have a Good Cool 
Time. 

And I said unto the Waitress, Bring unta us now 
two plates of Ice Cream. 

And I said, How cool it is beside the little lake 
where we go in summer, and how good is the sound 
of the maul as our sons pound the Ice ; yea, and how 
delicious is the Cream when it is frozen. 

And I said unto the waitress, Bring unto us two 
small cups of Coffee. 

And I said, I will drink it without sugar or cream, 



62 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

for these cost extra in Venice. Yea, and here at the 
Lido, after a dip in the waters of the Adriatic, how 
lovely it is to sit on the great wide Verandah and 
drink a Thimbleful of good Black Coffee that 
picketh one up after a Plunge. 

And as we walked home, I said, That is a great 
old breeze that is sweeping in from the ocean across 
these Isles of Shoals where now we are. 

And so we came to our house. And Keturah said, 
Where do we go from Here? 

And I said, We go to the best place of all. For 
the night without is black and stormy, and I have 
no Committee Meeting, and the Telephone wire is 
Broken. Where is that Interesting Book which 
thou didst begin to read aloud to me last summer 
when I lay on the Pine Needles with my head in 
thy lap ? 

And she read to me. And I said, This has been a 
fine Summer Evening. And Keturah said so, too. 

HEAVEN AND THE STEAMBOAT 

We sought rest, I and Keturah, and we went 
South to meet the Spring and bring it back with 
us. And we eschewed Railroads, but sailed upon a 
Steamboat. For this is a country of Majestic 
Rivers, and few there be that know it. And the 
Purser of the Steamboat spake unto me, saying, 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 63 

Behold, here are threescore and four Staterooms : 
take thou thy choice, and he gave unto us two State- 
rooms, in the most Desirable Part of the Ship : and 
the rooms opened together so that we had each of 
us a Lower Berth. And I slept at night in the 
Lower Berth, and by day I lay in the Upper Berth 
when I desired, and did read, and at other times we 
sat on deck, I and Keturah, and beheld a wondrous 
Moving Picture Show. And there were only two 
other First Class Passengers, and they were Good 
People. 

And the Steward said, Behold, I have a Rattling 
Good Cook, yea and a Pastry Cook also, and we 
must keep them Busy: whatsoever thine heart de- 
sireth, that will they cook. 

And the Bath Room Man said, When thou de- 
sir eth to Bathe, behold the Tub shall be Clean, and 
there will be no lack of Hot Water or of Towels. 
And the Barber and the Porter and the Bootblack 
spake in like manner. And Aunt Ellen, who keep- 
eth the Linen, and who was born a Slave and hath 
been on the River forty years, she also gave us 
Everything in sight, and the Captain took me unto 
his Cabin, and showed me many things about a 
Steamboat. And I and Keturah, we owned the 
Boat, and the Shore and the Sky. 

Now at this same time certain of our friends were 
fleeing from the Cold Winds of early Spring, and 



64 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

were paying High Prices in Popular Southern 
Hotels where the Limit in Prices is the Sky; and 
they traveled by Rail, where the throng was so great 
that it was difficult to get a Lower Berth. 

And I spake unto Keturah, and said, This world 
hath few people as Sensible as thee and me: I am 
glad that I married so Sensible a woman and thou 
so wise a man. 

And I said, It is lucky that the way to Heaven is 
not reserved for the Wise, but that wayfaring men 
though Fools may not err therein : for there are few 
others traveling. For the way of the Sinner is 
Expensive and Disappointing : and I sometimes fear 
that we shall have more Room than we need in 
Heaven. 



THE RIVER CURRENT 

We sailed on the River, I and Keturah, yea, upon 
two Rivers, and even Three. For we entered into a 
Ship and sailed down the Mississippi, and up the 
Ohio, and then up the Tennessee. And we sailed 
for Eight Days, and we sailed for a Thousand 
Miles. And the waters in all these rivers were high, 
and the Current was swift. And we ascended the 
Tennessee slowly by reason of the Current. And 
I grew anxious, for I must needs return for the 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 65 

next Sabbath, and one Sabbath I had already been 
away. 

And the Captain spake unto me saying, Fear not. 
We ascend slowly, but we shall go down the River 
like a Bat escaping out of Perdition. 

And that was the way we came down. 

And we neared a City the name whereof was 
Paducah, where three great rivers meet, even the 
Tennessee and the Cumberland and the Ohio. And 
I and Keturah we were to leave the boat there. 

And the Captain came unto me, and he said, 
Behold, I was Mistaken. We shall hardly make thy 
Train. 

And I said, Behold how fast we go, and Paducah 
is but Twenty Miles Away. 

And he said, Paducah is indeed but Twenty Miles 
away, but we are not Going Fast. We are burning 
Just as Much Coal, and the Wheels are Going 
around Just as Fast. But we are no longer in the 
waters of the Tennessee, but in the Backwaters of 
the Ohio. For the Ohio is rising More Rapidly 
than the Tennessee, wherefore the Mighty Current 
that bore us down hath ceased, and a Mightier Cur- 
rent all unseen doth Hold Us Back. 

And I thought of the men who begin their Re- 
ligious Life with a Strong Current of Love and 
Devotion moving with their Will and Mightily 
sweeping them forward toward their Desired 



66 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

Haven, but of the Unseen Currents of Worldliness 
that Imperceptibly retard them, and even cause 
them to drift the Other Way. 

And on the Sabbath I stood before my congrega- 
tion, and I said, Oh men and women, think not 
because the Wheels still Go Around and thou art 
Puffing and Making Much Smoke that thou shalt 
surely go to Heaven. Behold there is an Undertow, 
and a Mighty Inflooding that may Hold thee Back, 
or even Drift thee whither thou wouldest not go. 

These things I spake on the Sabbath, because in 
Spite of the Backwater, I and Keturah we Got 
There. 

THE FIRST ROBIN 

Now the Winter had been Long, and Very Cold, 
and the Snow had been deep, and Spring was not 
yet come. And I rose early in the morning, and I 
looked out of mine Window, and Behold a Robin. 

And I called unto Keturah, and said, Come 
quickly, and see thou hasten thine arrival at the 
Window. For here is a Friend of ours that is 
Come from a Far Country to Visit us. 

And Keturah came to the Window, and she also 
beheld the Robin. 

Now the Robin looked at us, and hopped about 
upon the Cold and Bare Ground, and looked for the 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 67 

Early Worm, but the Bird was Earlier than the 
Worm. And Keturah went to her Kitchen to see 
what she might find that the Robin would eat. 

And I spake to the Robin, and said : 

Behold thou hast been where it was Warm, and 
the Sun did Shine. And thou couldest have stayed 
there. But here thou art. And thou comest while 
it is yet Winter, for the Prophecy of Spring is in 
thy Blood. Thy faith is the substance of things 
hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. 
Thou hast come many miles, yea hundreds of miles, 
to a land that lies desolate, because thou hast within 
thy soul the assurance that Spring is near. Oh, that 
there were in human life some assurance that would 
send men forth to their High Destiny with as com- 
pelling a Conviction! 

And I thought of the Eye, that it is formed in 
darkness, but formed for the light ; and the Ear that 
is wondrously shaped in Silence, but made for the 
hearing of Music; and of the Human Soul that is 
born into a world where Sin is, yet born with an 
assurance of Righteousness. 

And I blessed the Little Bird that had caused me 
to think of these things. 

And I went forth among men that day, and they 
said, Salaam, Safed. Behold is it not a cold and 
long Winter? 

And I said, Speak to me no more of Winter. 



68 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

And they said, Wherefore should we not speak 
of Winter? Behold the Thermometer and the 
Empty Coal Bin. 

But I held mine Head Proudly and I said : 
Speak to me not of Winter. Behold, on this 
morning I did see the First Robin. For me hence- 
forth it is Spring. 



THE ROBIN AND THE CHERRIES 

There groweth a Cherry Tree hard by the house 
where I dwell, and in the Spring it was full of 
Blossoms, so that I wondered not at the people of 
Japan who rejoice with great joy in the Cherry 
Blossom time. And I was glad that George Wash- 
ington did not pass that way in his boyhood. 

And after the blossoms came the Cherries, and 
they grew Wondrous Fast. And I said unto 
Keturah, We shall have no lack of Cherries. 

And she said, Be not too sure. There be things 
that can happen to Cherries ere thou dost eat them. 

Now ere the Cherries were ripe, I went to the 
window, and behold a Robin in the Cherry Tree. 
And he sat so that he was nigh unto me, and he 
moved not away when I came nigh. 

And I spake, saying, Behold, these Cherries are 
mine; moreover they are not yet ripe; and the 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 69 

Ground is full of Nice Juicy Worms; go thither 
and eat, and disturb not my Cherries. 

And the Robin turned his head on one side, and 
pecked at a Cherry that was beginning to be Red, 
and then he turned his head the other way, and 
pecked at another. 

And I said, Hast thou not heard of Mr. Hoover, 
and how he desireth that we eat all of us Substi- 
tutes ? Eat thou not of my Cherries, but eat Bugs ; 
they are Excellent Substitutes ; so shalt thou please 
Mr. Hoover, yea, and me also. 

And the Robin spake unto me saying, Dost thou 
not remember the morning in Early Spring when 
first I came, and how thy heart did rejoice in me? 
And behold, I have builded my nest, and reared my 
young and fed them with worms which I took from 
thy Garden; and Now I am ready for Cherries. 

And Keturah she came, and we stood there and 
talked unto the Bird, both of us, and the Robin was 
not affrighted, but listened to all we had to say, and 
still continually did he peck at the unripe Cherries. 

And Keturah answered and said, There will be 
Cherries left for us, if we get out and pick them 
when they be first ripe; some of them will I can. 
Yea, and I will make for thee a Wondrous Cherry 
Pie, with all the Stones taken out. And as for the 
Robins, let them have their share. If I had to live 



70 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

on Worms for the Most Part of the Year, I should 
welcome the ripening of the Cherries. 

And I looked at the red that was coming on the 
cheek of the Cherries and then at that on the breast 
of the Robin, and I said, Old fellow, Go To It. We 
will go Fifty-Fifty on those Cherries. There is no 
joy in life but doth cost something, and the Robin 
is worth the Cherries he doth eat. 



THE HEIGHT OF THE SKY 

I have a little Granddaughter, and she is the 
daughter of the daughter of Keturah. And on 
many days last summer she spake to me, saying, 
Grandpa, I want to Swing. And whatsoever I was 
doing I did it no more, but I went and Swung her. 

Now on one of those days she looked up into the 
great Pine Trees where the Swing was hung, and 
she asked me Questions. And I showed her how the 
Trees divided into Limbs, and the Limbs separated 
into smaller Branches, and the Branches into Twigs, 
and the Twigs feathered out into Delicate Pine 
Needles. 

And all this she saw. And she saw that there was 
Blue Beyond the Tops of the Trees, which showeth 
in Marvellous Beauty through the Tracery of the 
Pine Needles. And she asked, Grandpa, what is 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 71 

that? And I told her that the Blue above the tops 
of the Trees was the Sky. 

And she looked long at the Sky, and it appeared 
Very High as she saw it through the Treetops. And 
when she saw How High it was, she considered, and 
she said : 

But I can hardly reach it. 

That was all she said of it, and she is not yet 
three years old. 

She could hardly reach it ; even as the man of God 
in olden time thought the Heaven and the knowl- 
edge of God too wonderful for him and said, It is 
high ; I cannot attain unto it. 

And yet she did not say she could not entirely 
reach it. For the Sky beginneth not far above the 
tree tops, but at the very ground; and the little 
damsel toucheth it with her finger tips all the day 
long. And they are such delicate little finger tips. 

O my God, as the heaven is high above the earth, 
so are Thy ways above our ways, and we can hardly 
reach Thee ; yet do I thank Thee that Thou art not 
wholly out of reach. Thou art as near unto me as 
the Sky is nigh unto the little Maiden, and that is 
not quite out of reach. 



72 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

CONCERNING REST 

There was a day when I was weary. For my 
days had been full of cares, and my nights had been 
broken. And I spake unto Keturah, saying, 

I would fain Lay me down upon my Couch and 
rest. Trouble me not for the Space of One Hour. 

So I laid me down. 

And I heard the Patter of Little Feet, and there 
were Little Hands pushing at my door. And there 
came unto me the daughter of the daughter of 
Keturah. And the little maiden is not yet three 
years old. 

And she said, Grandpa, I want to lie down with 
you. 

And I said, Come, and we will rest together. 
Close thine eyes Tightly and be Very Still. So shall 
we rest both of us. 

And the way she rested was this. She crept 
under the Blanket that covered me, so that her 
head and all the rest of her were Covered, and she 
said, Grandpa, you have losed your little girl. 

Then did I seek my little girl whom I had losed, 
and I said, Where is my little girl? Where is my 
little girl? And I felt all over the Blanket, and I 
found her not. 

Then did she cry, Here I am. 

And she threw off the Blanket, and laughed. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 73 

And she hid from me the Second Time, and the 
Third Time, and Many Times beside. And every 
time I found her again, hiding under the Blanket. 

And when this had wearied her, she Sat Astride 
me, so that One Foot was on the Right Side and one 
was on the Left, and she held me by the thumbs, and 
her little hands could not quite reach around my 
two thumbs. And she rocked back so that her head 
touched the couch between my knees, and she sat 
up with a Bump upon my Stomach. And she rode 
me to Banbury Cross and to many other places. 

And she said, You are having a good time with 
me, aren't you, Grandpa? 

And I told her that it was true. 

Now at the end of One Hour, I came forth lead- 
ing the little damsel by the hand, and Keturah said, 
Thou art rested. I behold that thy weariness is 
gone. 

And it was even so. For the joy of playing with 
the little damsel had driven away my care, and I 
was rested. 

Now I thought of this, and I remembered that 
my Lord had said unto me and not to me only but 
to all mankind, Come unto me, ye weary and heavy- 
laden, and I will give you rest. And I remembered 
that He said that in resting I should bear a yoke and 
find it easy, and carry a burden and find it light. 
And, behold, I knew what He meant. 



74 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 

We went, I and Keturah, unto the Great Hall 
where the Symphony Orchestra of an hundred men 
who have skill play on Instruments of Musick. 

And one said, This day there is to be a First Per- 
formance of a New Overture, and the Composer 
is a man of this City. Come and meet him. 

So I went and had speech with him. 

And he was Nervously Awaiting his own number, 
which was the Third, and the first two were long 
and seemed to him longer. 

And he opened his heart and told me many things. 

And he said, I have lived all my life in hope of 
this day. In my boyhood I loved Musick, and I 
worked hard to earn money that I might study it. 
Then did I begin to teach Piano and Violin and 
Voice. But now I teach only Harmony. And all 
the years I have waited for the time when a piece 
of mine own composing should be played by the 
Symphony Orchestra, and I would lead it. 

And he told me how long it took him to compose 
the Overture, and how many times he wrote it ; and 
how he labored nights for Four Months to copy the 
scores for the Orchestra Parts. 

And it came to pass that his piece was rendered, 
and he conducted it. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 75 

And it required Twelve Minutes. And for that 
he had worked Forty Years ! 

And at the end he was applauded. And they 
called him back thrice. And after all other men and 
women had ceased still did I applaud him, and 
Keturah she also applauded, so that those about us 
joined in, and so we gave him one more come-back 
than the law required. 

And Keturah said, I have never known thee to 
applaud so much. 

And I said, This man is of mine own city and 
treadeth the same hard pavements that jar me. And 
he hath long taught reluctant pupils to play on the 
Psaltery and the Sackbut and the Dulcimer and the 
Jewsharp, all the while dreaming of this day. And 
his triumph lasteth just Twelve Minutes. Now the 
Lord do so to me and more also if I give him not all 
that is coming to him. 

And Keturah said, But the rest of the program 
is of the Great Composers, even Liszt and Mozart 
and Mendelssohn. And thou didst applaud them 
but little. 

And I said, If the Great Composers were living 
in this town and walked the floor nights with the 
baby, then would I applaud them more. 

And I said, I also am in daily competition with 
the Mighty Dead. For men say, Why should we 
pay a Dollar and the Fourth Part of a Dollar for 



76 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

the Parables of Safed the Sage when we can buy- 
Shakespeare and Bacon for an half dollar each? 
And Shakespeare and Bacon can now live on smaller 
royalties than I, and their wives need not new Easter 
Bonnets. Even so hath this man been all his life 
in competition with Liszt and Mendelssohn and 
Mozart. And he liveth in my town, and hath a 
name that is spelled like unto the way that it is 
pronounced. 

And I said, I honor the Mighty Dead for their 
works' sake; but I will not blister my hands for 
them. I would rather applaud a Living American 
than a Dead Dutchman. 

And the Intermission ended, and we heard a Sym- 
phonic Poem by Liszt. And him I applauded some 
and sufficient, but Liszt hath been dead some time, 
and there was another man who came back one time 
more because I and Keturah kept clapping. 

THE SCRUB TEAM 

There was a Day in Spring when I walked in the 
City, and I came to a Base Ball Park. And the Gate 
was open, and I entered. And I sat on the Bleachers 
where were only a Few Men. For the time of 
Base Ball was not yet. But the Team was prac- 
ticing. 

And the Team was arrayed in New Uniforms, 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 77 

but the men against whom they played had no uni- 
forms. 

And I asked one who sat nigh unto me, and I 
inquired, saying, 

Who are these, and whence came they ? 

And he said, These are the Scrub Team. Behold, 
the Home Team will not Do a Thing to Them but 
to skin them alive. 

And it was even as he said. The Home Team 
did wipe up the earth with the Scrub Team. For 
they were better players. 

And I said, Wherefore doth not the Scrub Team 
play with another Scrub Team, that it may stand a 
chance to Win, and have whereof to Glory? 

And he said, Because it hath greater glory in 
helping to get the Home Team in Good Condition. 

And he said, Behold the boys of the Scrub Team 
are from this same neighborhood, and they are 
themselves Near-Good players. And next Saturday 
doth the season open between the Home Team and 
the Team from the other side of Town. Therefore 
doth the Scrub Team rejoice to be licked to a 
frazzle, that it may promote the welfare of the 
Home Team, and get it into good shape for the 
Game. Yea, and on the other side of town at this 
very minute doth the Home Team of that side play 
against another Scrub Team, that doth take its 
Walloping with Glee for the like Cause. 



78 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

And I came away rejoicing. 

And I said, Declare unto me no more that Altru- 
ism is dead, and that we live in a world where every 
man is for himself and the devil doth take the hind- 
most. There be many signs that it is not so. 

And I said, I will never lose my faith that men 
are capable of Heroic Unselfishness so long as there 
is a Vacant Lot with Eighteen Boys Playing 
thereon, the one Nine in Uniform going forth to 
glory, and the other Nine laboring in Obscurity and 
taking its Licking with glee. 

And I said, I have played on the Diamond, and I 
have known the joy that thrilleth the arms of a lad 
when the Bat doth strike the ball; yea, I have heard 
the plaudit of the multitude when I have come in 
over the Home Plate. But I recall from the memo- 
ries of my youth that I was not always a member 
of the Uniformed Team; and that it was joy and 
not pain to be Gloriously Licked by the Home Team 
that it might go forth and lick the other fellows. 

And I said to myself that I liked to see Good Ball 
played by professionals; but that nothing revived 
my faith in human nature more than to see a prac- 
tice game in which the Home Team was licking the 
Scrub Team, and the Scrubs rejoicing thereat. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 79 

THE NEXT TIME 

There lived in the Town of my Boyhood a Dam- 
sel, whose name was Dinah. And I liked her, and 
knew not but that I could like her more if I were 
to Drop Everything Else and give her my Exclusive 
Attention. 

And I went away and abode for certain months 
in another place. And Dinah came thither to visit, 
and I determined to Show her a Good Time, for 
she was from my Home Town. And Dinah was 
willing, but also was pursuing a policy of Watchful 
Waiting in certain other Directions. 

And there came the Fourth Day of July, and 
Sunday School Picnic. And some rode thither in 
Buggies, but the most part on Hayracks, or any old 
way. But I stood in with a man who had two 
Saddle Horses, and he was particular to whom he 
loaned them. 

And when I came unto the house where she 
lodged, leading one horse and riding one, Dinah's 
countenance fell. 

And she said, Safed, it is good of thee to take me 
to places, and I like it, but thou art only a boy from 
the Home Town, and I would fain ride in one of 
the loads, that I may meet others as well as thee. 

And I went to a friend, who was driving his own 
two horses, that were hitched to an Hayrack. And 



80 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

beside him was his best girl, and her name was 
Ruth. And upon the Hayrack were young men and 
maidens. 

And I said, Sam, wilt thou do me a Favor? 

And he said, I will give thee anything, save Ruth 
only. 

And I said, Take thou my two saddle horses for 
thee and Ruth, and let me drive thy team. 

And he said, Let us hasten, Ruth, and climb down 
from here and mount the horses. 

Now when Dinah saw that Ruth and Sam were 
glad, then was she more snippy than ever. 

But that day was not wholly lost. For there rode 
on the Hayrack two maidens whom I had not met 
before. 

And one of them was Keturah. 

Now after fourteen years, Dinah wrote to 
Keturah, and said, I would visit thee. 

And Keturah wrote and said, Come. 

So she lodged with us four days. And she was 
still unmarried. 

And on one night was a lecture. And Keturah 
cared not to go, but stayed with her Five Children, 
and I took Dinah to the lecture. 

And as we were returning, Dinah spake to me, 
saying, Dost thou remember the Fourth Day of 
July, fourteen years ago? 

And I told her that I had not forgotten. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 81 

And she said, When thou didst take me home 
that night thou didst say to me, I am sorry that thou 
hast not enjoyed this day, and I hope it will fare 
better the Next Time I invite thee. 

And I said, I remember. 

And she said, Safed, This is the Next Time. 

And I considered that some people who wait for 
the Next Time will have a long time to wait. 

THE MOVING PICTURES 

We took a journey, I and Keturah, and we 
Changed Cars in a certain city, and we lodged there 
One Night in an Inn. And we walked abroad after 
that we had Dined, and it was evening. And the 
Shops were closed, but the Movies were open. And 
we gave Two Dimes unto a Damsel in a Glass 
Cage, and we went in and sat down. 

And we beheld a Moving Picture, the theme 
whereof was The Reward of Virtue. And it was 
concerning a Young Woman who loved Art with a 
Capital A, and who appeared not to love Dishwash- 
ing. And she left her Home and went to a Great 
City and Studied Art. And she was subject to 
Great Temptations, all of which were Shown to 
us, and the w»ay she was Tempted was A Plenty. 
But nothing tempted her to go Back Home and 
help her mother Wash the Dishes in the Kitchen 



82 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

Sink. So she Came to the Very Brink. And the 
man who Tempted her Most was a Millionaire in 
Disguise. And the More he Tempted her the more 
he Loved her. And when he found that he could 
not have her without Marrying her, he offered to 
Marry her. And they were Married. So the Re- 
ward of Virtue was Cash in the Bank. And we Sat 
Through this Highly Moral Movie. And we 
Yawned, both of us. 

Then spake I to Keturah, and said, There are 
Two More Films. Shall we stay for them? 

And she said, This stuff doth not amuse me. 

And I said, It is not up to Our Speed. Let us go. 

So we went while the Going was Good. 

And as we wandered, we came to a Down Town 
Church, where the rich had moved away, and the 
poor remained. And the door was open and we 
went in. And there was a Prayer Meeting. And 
there were Not as Many people there as there were 
at the Movies. And they who loved the Lord spake 
there to each other, and comforted one another, and 
lifted their prayers to God for Courage for the 
Day's Job. 

And we saw in their Faces, and heard in their 
Words such Dramas and Tragedies as No Movie 
Man ever invented. And the Reward of Virtue for 
them was in Faith to go on, and the Approval of 
Conscience, and the Peace of God. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 83 

And we Returned unto the Inn, and I answered 
Keturah, and said, 

That also was a Moving Picture, and it was Great 
Stuff. 

And Keturah said, That was the Real Thing. 
That was Life. 

And when we knelt beside our Bed that Night, 
we Prayed for Both Companies of People. 

EDEN AND THE SERPENT 

Now the manner of my wooing of Keturah was 
on this wise. After that Dinah had been rude to me, 
I saw Keturah now and again, but I was minded 
that I would Avoid Entangling Alliances, for I was 
laboring hard that I might gain an Education, and 
silver and gold had I none. But there came a night 
in June when I and the stars looked down on 
Keturah, and mine heart told me that I loved her. 
Yet spake I not to her of love that night. But I 
went to my room, and I regarded mine empty 
Pocket Book, and I said to it that it might Go Hang, 
for I would not let another night descend on earth 
till I should have her as mine own. 

And on the next day I sought her, and I was on 
Horseback, and I led another horse. And I en- 
treated her that she would ride with me far into the 
Hills. And she did so. 



84 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

And when we were far from the habitations of 
men, our horses stopped that they might drink at a 
Mountain Stream, and there I asked her if she 
would ride with me down the long road till the end 
of life. And she told me that she would. 

Then rode we forward, and our horses climbed 
up a Little Hill, and there ran across the Road be- 
fore us a Rattlesnake. 

Now, in the Region where we then were, if a man 
start upon a Journey, and there cross his path a 
Rabbit, then will he return unto his House, and go 
not forth again that day, but begin his journey again 
upon the Morrow. And albeit I care not for such 
like Superstitions, yet was it an Uncanny Thing 
that a Rattlesnake should cross before us on the 
very first Mile of the road whereon we traveled 
into our Eden. For the world was bright with the 
sunlight of June, but the Venomous Beast fled not 
away, but Coiled himself by the Roadside, with his 
Head Erect, and his Forked Tongue out, and his 
Rattles making an Unpleasant Noise. 

And I cast my Bridle Rein into the hand of 
Keturah, and I leaped from my Saddle. And I said, 

Whether it be a Portent of Evil, I know not, but 
the Lord do so to me and more also if there shall 
live a Rattlesnake that can cross our Path this day 
and Get Away With It. 

And Keturah said, Go not nigh unto him, but 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 85 

return and let us ride on. For he is Dangerous, and 
his Bite is Fatal. 

But I heeded not the word that she spake, and I 
did as I said that I would do. And somewhere 
among the Memorials of my early days are there 
the Rattles of a Snake. Thus did I change an omen 
of evil into a Prophecy of Good. 

And I mounted my Horse, and Keturah said, 
Thou art an Ardent Lover and a Fierce Fighter. 
I would rather thou wouldest love me than fight me. 

And I told her that that also was My Preference. 

Now since that day the road hath been long, and 
the milestones of our journey have been thirty and 
three, and our pathway hath been crossed often and 
by many things good, and a Fair Assortment of 
things evil; but the good have been more than the 
evil. And that old Serpent, which is the Devil, hath 
never pulled off on us any of his Adam and Eve 
stuff. 

And I have meditated often on that first Serpent 
that came into our Eden on the day when God made 
Keturah from one of my Ribs and sent her back 
to her place nigh unto mine heart, and I have 
reflected that that Snake could not have suspected 
what Combination he was Up Against, or he would 
have Departed Elsewhere. 

For no Serpent can do very much harm in the 



86 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

Eden of an Husband and Wife who do continually 
love one another. 

Now I know not why Patrick should have been 
able to get the Snakes out of Ireland and the Lord 
God should have permitted them to be in Eden. But 
this have I discovered, that if we may not have 
Edens with fences that are Snake-proof, the next 
best thing is to Strafe the Serpents when they first 
appear, and dispose of them forever. And this 
would make almost any Eden happy. 



HOLLYHOCKS AND THE STORM 

There grow Hollyhocks at the home where we 
abode while they made ready for us the house hard 
by the Synagogue, for I planted them, and they will 
grow for many years. And now, after two years 
there grow Hollyhocks at the house hard by the 
Synagogue. For I planted them, and when any 
friend of mine did send me seed, saying, Behold, 
here are Hollyhocks of a Choice Variety, then did 
I dig up another place for them and plant them 
there. And the time of blossoming drew nigh. And 
there came a mighty Rain, with a great Wind, and 
the Hollyhocks were Beaten down so that they lay 
flat. 

And I walked among them, I and Keturah, and 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 87 

she said, Behold how they begin to lift themselves 
again. 

And I said, Yea, but I fear that they will not 
grow straight. 

And Keturah put her hand under one of them, 
and lifted it gently, as she would have lifted a little 
child that had stumbled and fallen upon its face, and 
the Hollyhock stood up, albeit with soiled face and 
fingers, and was erect. And she lifted another like- 
wise. And she did it gently. 

And she said, Behold, they desire to rise, for God 
made them upright. But when they get so far 
down, they must be helped. 

And Keturah said, My lord, it is even so with 
Folks. 

And I said, Keturah, thou hast well said. It is 
hard enough to stand erect when one hath never 
fallen. And there are men and women who are 
down and think that they are out, but are not, who 
need just the little lift which thou art giving to 
these Hollyhocks. 

And Keturah said, It is a sad thing for a flower 
that hath the nature of a thing erect and beautiful, 
to be beaten down so that it lieth in the mud, and 
hath no comeliness or beauty; and it is only a little 
thing to lift it up that it may grow. Yea, and if it 
need a stake that it may have something to tie to, 
it is good use of timber. 



88 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

Therefore did I and Keturah make a covenant 
with each other and the Lord, that as we walk where 
the storms of life have beaten, we would Lift Up 
every flower of God that hath fallen across our 
path, and not trample upon it nor despise it, but 
seek to make it fit to bloom in the Garden of God. 



THE SIGNAL TOWER 

The train whereon I rode drew nigh unto a City, 
and it Slowed Up in the outermost parts thereof till 
the man in the Signal Tower bade it go on. For he 
lived in a place High and Lifted up, with Levers on 
this side of him and on that, and with Electric Sig- 
nals and many Strange Devices. And when he 
dropped the Semaphore, then did we go forward, 
not on a straight track, but we curved to the Right, 
and again to the Left, and we Smelled out, as it 
were, the way that he desired us to go among the 
tracks till we came at length into a Great Terminal 
where a place had been prepared for us. And all 
the way, though we no longer saw him, his hand 
did guide the way whither we went, so that we 
smashed into no other train, though many were 
coming and going, but we came safely to our De- 
sired Destination. 

Now as we pulled slowly past the Signal Tower, 



OF SAFED. THE SAGE 89 

I took note, and behold, it was in a Desolate Spot, 
where the Signal Man had Very Little Companion- 
ship. But he had climbed down in the hours when 
no trains were going, and had planted seeds about 
the Signal Tower. And there were Larkspurs to 
match the sky, and Poppies that grew red. And 
beside all these were Hollyhocks, yea and many of 
them. 

There were Hollyhocks of Brown, like unto the 
eyes of Keturah, and Hollyhocks of pink, like her 
cheeks when first God gave her to me, and others 
white as the snow, and others red as the rose. And 
they grew ever upward as if they would mount to 
the Signal Tower and smile in at its windows at the 
man who planted them. 

And as we went on our way, I thought of the 
man in the Signal Tower, and I said to him in my 
heart : 

"Thou art my brother. I also have a tower like 
unto thine, which appertaineth unto my Church, and 
there do I spend long hours in a place of mine own, 
apart from men and lifted up, that I may catch if so 
it may be the messages which I shall transmit into 
signals for them to keep them on the right track, 
and I also grow Hollyhocks." 

So I climb again to my Signal Tower, and I seek 
if I may give unto men the right Signals that they 



90 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

go aright on life's course to their safe place in its 
Terminal ; but also will I brighten the earth beneath 
with Hollyhocks. 



THE JUNE CHRISTMAS TREE 

The daughter of the daughter of Keturah stood 
at the door of the Synagogue, and waited for me. 
And it was the Sabbath day. 

And I spake unto her, but she answered me sor- 
rowfully. And her countenance was fallen. 

And I said, What is the matter with my little 
girl? 

And she said, They told me that it would be a 
Tree, and it was not a Tree. 

And I said unto her, Tell me about it, that I may 
know when a Tree is not a Tree. 

And she said, They did tell me in the Sunday 
School to bring a Present that I might hang it upon 
a June Christmas Tree. 

And I said, I know about that. It is for the 
little children in China. And because the Box must 
be packed long beforehand in order that it may 
reach the little Chinese children in time for Christ- 
mas, therefore do they gather the presents in June. 
And they intended that on this day they would hang 
the Presents upon the Elm Tree that groweth hard 
by the Synagogue, and that the children should sing 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 91 

about it here, and then send the presents to China. 
But it rained in the Night, and the Sod is wet. 
Therefore did they hold the Exercises in the Sun- 
day School Room, and because they had no tree 
therein, therefore did they stretch a Cord whereon 
Presents might be hung. 

And she lamented much, and she said, They told 
me that there would be a June Christmas Tree, and 
that we must bring Picture Books and Toys for 
the Little Chinese Children in the Hospital, and 
hang them upon the Tree. And there was not a 
Tree, but only a String. 

And I sought to comfort her, but she said, They 
told me that it would be a Tree, and it was nothing 
save only a String. 

Now I was once a Child, and I remember that 
my disappointments were not many, but they were 
very keen. And there are some of them that I re- 
member still. And I wonder if the little maiden 
will not remember as long as she shall live the June 
Christmas Tree that was nothing but a String. 

And I took her by the hand, and I walked with 
her to the Elm that was to have been the Christmas 
Tree, and I told her how beautiful the Tree would 
be in China. But she said, They told me that it 
would be a Tree, and it was not a Tree, nor was it 
anything save only a String. 

And I thought of the Garden of Eden, and of 



92 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

Eve, and how she had been told of the Tree of Life 
and had thought to eat thereof ; but how life as she 
knew it was just a string, with one perplexing thing 
after another. 

Indeed, there have been days when mine own 
Tree of Life yielded to me the same bitter fruit. It 
was naught save a String, which might be pulled and 
pulled, and it came to no end, but to many a tangle. 

But I have learned that even upon such a string 
there may be hung those precious gifts of Sacrifice 
and Love, which I verily believe in some Celestial 
Kingdom will shine among the fruits of a Tree 
whose leaves are for the healing of the nations. 
Therefore do I seek this day to fasten the ends of 
my String of Life a little tighter, and to pin upon 
it each several day some gift of Kindness or good 
deed; for who knoweth whether my String be not 
one of the Roots of God's Tree of Life? 

THE CIRCUS PROCESSION 

Now the daughter of Keturah spake unto me, 
saying, Father, behold, there cometh a Circus to 
town. Wilt thou borrow my Little Daughter and 
take her thereto? 

And I said, Among the many uses of little chil- 
dren, one is this, that by reason of them it becometh 
the duty of Grandfathers to attend the Circus. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 93 

And we went early, but we did not avoid the 
Rush. 

Now, we went behind the tents to where they 
made ready for the Great Parade. And there were 
Famous Characters of History in their Chariots, 
and there was a Calliope that played Keep the Home 
Fires Burning on Steam Whistles, and there were 
Very Funny Clowns, but not so Funny as Clowns 
were when I was a Lad. And there were Wild 
Beasts, as many as went into the Ark. 

And there were Nine Elephants. 

Now, the Elephants were Timid, and they liked 
not to go in Procession. Therefore did their 
Trainer take an Old Elephant, and set him in the 
front with a Mahout on his head; and he com- 
manded another Elephant to come forward and 
take with his Trunk the Tail of the First Elephant. 
Then did he bring forward the Third Elephant, and 
command him to take hold of the Tail of the Second 
Elephant. Likewise did he with all. 

And the Elephants were no longer Timid, but 
walked, every one of them in the big, broad foot- 
steps of the one before him, and held every Elephant 
to another's tail. 

Now when the daughter of the Daughter of 
Keturah saw this, she was Greatly Amused ; and she 
Laughed, and I laughed with her. For the Ele- 



94 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

phants were so large and the tails which they clung 
to were so small. 

And I said, My little maiden, what thou seest is a 
Parable, and even such is Life. Men and Women 
who are Old Enough and Big Enough and ought to 
Know Better, stand trembling even like those Great 
Beasts till they have some Slender Thing to Cling 
to whereby they may follow in the Procession, not 
knowing whither they go. 

But the little maiden listened not to my Moral. 
Wherefore did we go and buy Peanuts to feed the 
Elephants when they returned, and some Pink 
Lemonade and a Red Balloon for ourselves. 

And it was a Good Show, but not such as they 
had when I was a Lad. 



THE BUMBLE BEE 

We came, I and Keturah, to the place where we 
are wont to spend our Summers. And we walked 
under the great Pine Trees, and I went with un- 
covered head, for I reverence them. And we came 
nigh unto the nest of a Bumble Bee, and I knew it 
not. And a Bumble Bee flew at me Furiously, and 
he assailed my Head, and he thrust out his Sting. 

And Keturah saw him, and she cried out, Alas, 
my husband, for he hath stung thee on the Forehead. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 95 

And I answered, and said, I am very grateful to 
that Bumble Bee. 

And she said, Hasten, and put something on it, 
ere it swell. 

And I said, My head is not Swelled, neither shall 
that Bumble Bee swell it. He stung me not, and I 
am very thankful to him. 

And she said, If he stung thee not, I am glad. 
But I know not why I should be thankful. For it 
was in his heart to sting. 

And I said, My hair groweth thin, and my friends 
say, Safed groweth toward Baldness. But this Bee 
got Tangled in my Hair. He that hath hair enough 
to entangle a Bumble Bee is not Bald. 

And I considered how many are the annoyances 
of life, and even of its threatened dangers, that 
afford us ground for joy, if we only know how to 
interpret them. 

THE POTATO BUG 

There came unto me a man, who sat him down 
before I asked him to do so. And he inquired of 
me, saying, 

Dost thou believe in Prayer? 

Now, I am a man of Prayer, neither hath there 
been a day since my childhood when I have not 
prayed unto my God. But I answered him not, for 



96 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

I knew that he had not come to learn what I be- 
lieved about Prayer, but to tell me what he believed, 
and that he would Never Notice whether I answered 
him or no. 

And he took up his parable and said, I was on the 
train, on my way to a Very Important Business 
Engagement; and if I made it, I should make Good 
Money, and give unto the Lord a tenth thereof. 
And my train was late. And I approached a Junc- 
tion. And if the other train had gone, I had Missed 
my Appointment. So I took the matter to God in 
prayer, and behold, the other train was later than 
mine own. So did I meet the appointment, and I 
sold the Goods, and the Treasury of the Lord shall 
prosper. 

And he thought not of the many people on the 
Connecting Train who suffered by the delay which 
his Prayer had Seemed to Produce. 

And I said unto him, There is a place where I go 
in Summer, where there are Trees and a Lake and 
Streams. And there grew a Great Tree by the side 
of a stream, and the waters washed under the roots 
upon the one side thereof, so that the Tree grew 
out over the Stream. And it was a Beautiful Tree, 
and it grew for an Hundred Years. And the Cattle 
rested under the shade thereof, and the Birds of 
Heaven did build their Nest in the branches thereof. 

Now, upon the one side of the Stream was there 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 97 

a Potato Patch, and within the Patch there grew a 
Potato Vine, and upon the Potato Vine there 
Crawled a Potato Bug. And when the Potato Bug 
had filled his Belly with the leaves of the Potato 
Vine, he looked across the Stream, and behold there 
was another Potato Patch, fairer than the one 
wherein he abode. And he said, I will go forth, 
even into that other Potato Patch, and there shall 
my soul Delight itself in Fatness. So he came to the 
Stream, and he could not get across. And he tar- 
ried there that night. And in the night there arose 
a Great Wind, and it smote the Tree, so that it fell, 
and its Mighty Trunk lay across the stream. And 
when the morning was come, the Potato Bug 
climbed upon a root of the Tree, and he crossed 
over, and came unto the other side, and he went to 
the other Potato Patch. And he said, Now do I 
behold the Goodness of God who hath made a 
Bridge for me, and brought me safe over the 
Stream ; for this is an answer to my Prayer. And 
while the Potato Bug gave thanks to God, the Cattle 
mourned for the Shade which had sheltered them, 
and the Birds were Sorrowing over their Broken 
Eggs, and over their Little Birds that were Crushed, 
and over their Homes that were Desolate. But the 
Potato Bug knew it not, nor regarded it, but 
thanked his God for the answer of the Prayer of the 
Potato Bug. 



98 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

Now the man who had come to tell me that he 
believed in Prayer heard this parable, and he was 
wroth. And he said, Dost thou compare me to a 
Potato Bug? 

And I said unto him, I speak the truth in parables ; 
for the good God hath made the outer world and 
the things therein that they may be as a Mirror to 
the Souls of men. I do not compare thee to a Potato 
Bug, but if thou seest any Points of Similarity, that 
is thine own affair. 

And he departed. 

THE PULLOON 

The daughter of the daughter of Keturah sat on 
the Curb, and she looked like a Small Sized Picture 
of Dejection. She lifted not her head when I drew 
near, and when I spake to her, she answered as it 
were in a Whisper that was nigh unto Tears. And 
she tried hard, and she could not Produce the Tears. 

And I took her in my arms to comfort her. 

And she laid her head against my shoulder, and 
her little warm face did she rub against my face. 
And she tried hard to cry. 

And I said, Wherefore is my little maiden sad? 
And why hath her countenance fallen? 

And she answered me with a Near-sob. And she 
said, We have no Money. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 99 

And I said, At the Present Price of almost every- 
thing, Money is not quite a Superfluity. Wherefore 
dost thou desire Money? 

And she said, I desire a Pulloon. 

And I understood her not. And I said, Speak 
not to me in that sobbing voice. What is that thou 
desirest? Is it a Prune? 

And she told me that it was not a Prune. 

And I asked her, What is a Pulloon like unto? 

And she said, It is a Round Ball, of Red, or Blue, 
or Gold, and it Saileth High in the air, but it hath 
a String to Pull, lest it ascend to Heaven. Then 
understood I why she thought the name was 
Pulloon. For the name of a thing must have a 
meaning to her. 

And I said, Come with me into the House, and 
let us see Baby Brother, and as for the Pulloon, 
forget it. I have not seen a man that selleth 
Pulloons in Many a Moon. 

And we went into the house. And the daughter 
of Keturah laid her young son in mine arms, whom 
she hath named for me. And he is a Goodly Child. 

And even as we stood there, behold I heard the 
sound of a whistle. And I caught the hand of the 
little maiden, and I said, Let us hasten. Behold, 
there is such a thing as a Special Providence. And 
we hailed the seller of Pulloons. And he had Red 



ioo THE WIT AND WISDOM 

ones and Blue ones and Green ones. And she was 
hard put to it to determine which she would take. 

And the man watched her warily, for he knew 
what Grandfathers less wise than I did at such 
times. And he said, 

One for Fifteen centa; two for Quarta. 

And I said, Pulloons have Gone up. Neverthe- 
less, even if they were cheaper I would buy but one. 
For I know the folly of supposing that a child's life 
consisteth in the multitude of the Pulloons which 
she possesseth. 

And we selected one. And the little maiden took 
it, and ran with it, and laughed, and it sailed above 
her Golden Curls; but her heart rose higher and 
danced more merrily than did the Pulloon. And 
mine heart went up with hers. 

For we all sail our Pulloons. Yea, my heart is 
in the air with one of them, wherein rideth a Son of 
mine that saileth over the Ships to warn them of 
perils. 

Yea, I have invested Rather Heavily in Pulloons. 

Pulloons cost more than they did. 

THE BUTTON AND THE PLUS 

There were two men who lived in a certain city, 
and they were neighbors and partners. And what- 
soever of Prosperity came to their business, that 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 



did they divide, so that the one and the other did 
share alike. And there came a Great War. And 
there was a Committee which waited on these two 
men, and said unto each of them, Lend of thy money 
to thy Government, for it hath need; and in so 
doing thou shalt gain for thyself Four and One 
Fourth Per Cent and make the World Safe for 
Democracy. 

And one of them considered, and said, God hath 
prospered me with a moderate prosperity; I will 
subscribe all I can afford. And he subscribed for 
a bond that cost him a Thousand Shekels. 

And the other asked him, How much hast thou 
subscribed ? 

And he said, A thousand shekels. 

Then said he, That is Going Some, but I will go 
thee Fifty-Fifty. I also will subscribe for a Thou- 
sand Shekels. 

But he thought within himself, Peradventure 
they raise it not all the First Crack out of the Box, 
then will they come around again ; and if I subscribe 
a Thousand Shekels, then shall I have nothing left 
wherewith to come back at them again. So he sub-; 
scribed Five Hundred Shekels. And he said unto 
the Chairman of the Committee, If thou lackest, 
come back; for thou canst always count on Yours 
Truly to do his share, and Then Some. 

And the Committee gave to each of them a But- 



102 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

ton, whereon was written, Trouble me not, for I 
have Subscribed for the Liberty Loan. 

Now when the Committee had canvassed the 
town, behold, they were short of their Quota. 

And they said, We must hustle around and make 
it up, lest they tell in Gath that we are Slackers, and 
publish in the streets of Ashkelon that we be Pikers. 

Then came the Committee back to these two men. 
And the one who had subscribed for a Thousand 
Shekels said, I have Gone the Limit. 

But the other said, Sure Thing. And he sub- 
scribed an Hundred Shekels. 

And the Committee gave unto him another sign to 
fasten on with his Button, whereon was written, I 
have given Plus. 

But the other man had only his button. 

And all men did honor the man who had given 
Six Hundred, because he had given Plus; but they 
honored not the man who had given a Thousand. 

And the man who had given Six Hundred, he 
talked much about how the men who gave the Plus 
subscriptions had Put the Loan Across and enabled 
the town to Go Over the Top, but in his soul he 
knew that he was a Piker and a Cheap Skate and 
that his Middle Name was Ananias. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 103 

THINGS ONE WANTS TO KNOW 

Now there came to me two men, who were clad in 
Gay Apparel, and they Drave up to my Door in a 
Chariot, and they Honked, and they spake unto the 
Maid, and asked, Doth Safed live here, and is the 
Old Prophet at Home? 

And the maid answered and said, He is at Home, 
but he is Busy; I will ask if he can see you. 

And they answered, Sayest thou he is Busy? 
Now would not that Jar thee ? What hath he to be 
busy about? 

And they entered, and they said, Canst thou tell 
us what we want to know ? 

And I said, I cannot. 

And one spake to the other, and said, It is just as 
I expected, only I did not think he would admit it. 

And I answered, I can tell some men what they 
want to know, but not you; because the things ye 
want to know are not the things best worth knowing. 

And one of them spake and said, The old fellow 
hath Some Punch in him, and Cometh Back right 
well. 

And they consulted together and said to me, We 
want to know whether to Buy Stocks or Sell, now 
that the end of the War approacheth ; and if thou art 
a Prophet thou canst advise us to our Advantage. 

And I said, I have already given you your Answer. 



104 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

Ye seek me because ye wish not to know the things 
that are of the most worth. 

And they said to me, O Come Off. Cut out all 
that Stuff. Hast thou power to tell how the Market 
will go? We think not, otherwise thou wouldst 
gather in the Coin for thyself, whereas thou art a 
poor man. Nevertheless, if thou art a Prophet, 
here is thy Chance. Put us Wise to the Market, and 
if thou givest us a Right Tip, we will give thee Ten 
Talents of Silver. 

And I answered in the words of the Apostle, Thy 
money perish with thee ; because thou hast thought 
to purchase the Gift of God for money. 

And one of them looked at the other, and tapped 
his forehead with one finger, and looked at me, and 
then at his Companion, and winked ; and he said, 

There is No One at Home. 

THE END OF THE WAR 

I and Keturah we go away in the Good Old Sum- 
mer-time, and we sojourn for Two Months beside 
a Little Lake. And there is a tree that groweth close 
down by the Lake whereon every year the Leaves 
turn Red at the beginning of the last week in Au- 
gust. Then know we that it is time to Pack our 
Baggage. 

And on the first day of September in this present 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 105 

year did we return to our home. And our Daughter 
greeted us at the door. For she had come to set the 
house in order, and she brought with her the small 
Grandson who is named for me, and her little 
daughter also. And when the little damsel knew 
that we were there, for she was playing in the gar- 
den, then did she come running. And I went to 
meet her with my arms outstretched, and she also 
spread her arms so that all of her little pink fingers 
spread out. And her eyes were sparkling, and her 
Golden Hair was dancing as she came. 

And these were the words wherewith she greeted 
me, saying, 

O, Grandpa ! Is the War over ? 

The little maiden hath a Service Flag, and it con- 
taineth Six Stars. For there be three brothers of her 
father in the Army, and three brothers of her 
mother, yea my sons and the sons of Keturah, in 
the Navy, including them that ride above the ships 
in what the little damsel doth call Pulloons. And 
her thought of absence and of homecoming was all 
of the war. Therefore did she inquire, saying, O, 
Grandpa ! Is the War over ? 

Now there came a day when the War was over. 
And the bell rang in the Synagogue ; yea, with mine 
own hands did I ring it, while it was yet night. 
And the people thronged the streets so that all that 
day and far into the night the streets were Im- 



106 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

passable for the Multitude. And I took the little 
maiden, and I carried her on my shoulder where 
the crowd was great, that she might see and remem- 
ber all her life the wild tumult of them that cheered 
when Peace came again from Heaven upon Earth. 
And I mingled with the throng, and I rejoiced with 
them. And I saw the Mirth and the Rejoicing. 

But when I think of the coming of Peace, there 
riseth before my mind the vision, not of the Crowd, 
neither of the sound of the Musick of the Bands, 
neither the Noise of them that blow Horns and 
Pound upon Pans, but the vision everywhere of 
Little Children who run, one by one, to meet return- 
ing men, and crying in their Childish Joy, Is the 
War over? 

And I thank God for the answer that shall be 
made unto them. 

THE FOUR-CENT BIRTHDAY 

The daughter of the daughter of Keturah is three 
years of age, and she goeth upon the Sabbath Day 
unto the Sunday School. And on every Sabbath 
she taketh with her a Nickel, the value whereof is 
Five Cents. 

And it came to pass upon a Sabbath morning that 
she spake to her mother, and she said, Give me not 
Five Cents, I pray thee, but rather give me Four. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 107 

And her mother did even as she desired. 

And upon that day she came home from the Sun- 
day School in Great Glee. 

And on the next Sabbath her mother gave unto 
her a Nickel, but she said, Nay, for I desire Four 
Cents. 

And her mother said unto her, Wherefore dost 
thou desire Four Cents? 

And she said, In order that I may have a Birth- 
day. 

And her mother said, Thou art but Three, and 
thy Birthday is not long past. It will be many 
months before thou shalt have a Birthday. 

But she said, Nay, I had one last Sunday, and I 
must have another today. 

Then said her mother, Didst thou indeed tell the 
Teacher that last Sabbath was thy Birthday? 

And she answered, Verily I told her so, and I had 
the Four Cents. For whatsoever little girl doth 
bring Four Cents, she shall have a Birthday. 

And her mother said, Nay, my daughter, it is 
not thus. Birthdays come not so often, and when 
they come thou must take them, even though the time 
shall come when thou wouldest give Four Cents not 
to have them. Take thy Five Cents. 

And the Little Damsel answered, and said, If I 
take Five Cents the Teacher doth accept it and say 
nothing. But if I take Four Cents, then may I drop 



108 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

them one by one while all the children count thus, 
One, Two, Three, Four. Yea, and they join hand 
to hand and march around me, and sing a little 
Song concerning me. But if I take Five Cents they 
do none of those things. Wherefore will I take 
Five Cents no more, but rather will I take Four 
Cents and have a Birthday every Sabbath. 

Now when I heard these things I smiled. For 
verily I have seen many people older than the 
daughter of the daughter of Keturah who work 
the same Stunt successfully. Yea, they go 
through life making their Meager Contribution 
but causing the Pennies to be counted so con- 
spicuously that the Great Overgrown Kindergarten 
which is called The World doth join hand to hand 
and sing a song around them. 

But no man hath attained to Real Nobility of 
Soul till he hath learned to drop- in his Nickel and 
go on about his business unpraised rather than enjoy 
the Cheap Fame of the Four-Cent Birthday. 



THE NEW SUIT OF CLOTHES 

We journeyed toward the South, both I and 
Keturah, and we came to the Land of Cotton. And 
we lighted on a Plantation, and we Lodged there. 

And the Corn Pone of that land is Good, likewise 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 109 

the Honey that they spread thereon, and there is 
Milk such as Cows yield, and not such as the Milk- 
man Bringeth. 

And the Cook was an aged Mammy, who had Ac- 
cumulated a Large family of Children. And mine 
Host spake much of the skill of his Cook, and how 
she could make Beaten Biscuits such as I had never 
eaten. 

So he sent to the Store and bought a fresh Sack 
of Flour for Mammy to use in making Beaten Bis- 
cuits. And there rode a Lad to the Kitchen Door, 
having on the horse behind him a Sack of Flour. 
And Mammy received it at his hand, and Emptied 
it into the Bin. 

And she came to the door with the Sack in her 
hand. And she called to one of her Offspring, and 
she said, 

"Mammy gwine to make you-all a New Suit ob 
Cloes; dem does you got on is done wore to Rib- 
bons." 

And she spake truly concerning the clothes that 
her child wore. 

And she took the Shears, and she cut Three Holes 
in the Flour Sack, and she put it upon the Child, 
so that out of one hole came His Head, and out of 
the other Holes came his arms. And his Black Face 
was streaked with Flour, and so were his Legs. 

And upon his Back was the Advertisement of the 



no THE WIT AND WISDOM 

Memphis Milling Company's XXX Flour in colors 
of Blue and of Red. 

And his companions looked upon him with Great 
Admiration. 

And as I looked upon the child with his New 
Suit of Clothes, and beheld how Simple and Suf- 
ficient it was, and how Ornamental withal, and I 
saw the children playing and heard Mammy singing 
the while she Beat the Biscuits, I answered Keturah, 
and said, 

"We pay too high a Price for our Civilization. ,, 

THE PANAMA HAT 

I went when the summer began, and I found a 
man who sold Hats. And I said unto him, I desire 
a Straw Hat. 

And he said, It is not seemly in a man of thy 
standing that he should wear an ordinary Straw 
Hat ; behold, I have here a fine lot of Panamas, and 
they are Cheap. 

And he showed me Panamas at Six Dollars, but 
I found none that I desired. Then did he show me 
Panamas at Eight Dollars and at Ten, but they 
fitted me not. 

And he said, Behold, here is a Bang-up, First 
Class Panama that should sell at Twenty Four Dol- 
lars, and thou shalt have it at Sixteen. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 



And I said, That is more than I have ever paid 
for an Hat. Yea, my Two Gallon Stovepipe Hat 
did cost me less than half of that. 

And he said, It is an Economy. For it will wear 
thee forever, only thou shalt have it cleaned once in 
the year. 

And I bought it. 

Now I have read how Human Conduct is the 
result of Reactions of External Stimuli, which are 
Uniform in their result. But this have I Noticed, 
that my Sixteen Dollar Panama doth make other 
men Absent Minded, and it doth make me Very 
Vigilant. For there is not a man who owneth a 
Two Dollar Near-Panama but he straightway mis- 
taketh my Hat for his ; but I promote his Presence 
of Mind and keep mine own Hat. 

I have read in one of the Books that falleth be- 
tween the Old Testament and the New how that a 
King of the race of Antiochus did greatly horrify the 
people of God by compelling them to wear the Hat, 
and I do not wonder ; albeit I know not the price of 
Hats in that day, nor whether men with Cheap 
Panamas were then Absent Minded. 

This have I observed, that all experiences and all 
tangible things that men employ or suffer have two 
Aspects. The gun hath two meanings to the man 
behind it and the man in front of it, and much that 
is in life dependeth f or its meaning on which of its 



THE WIT AND WISDOM 



two aspects we behold, even as the hat meaneth one 
thing to the man who owneth it and another to the 
man who owneth it not. For to him that owneth it 
not it is an Opportunity of Absent Mindedness, and 
to him that owneth it it is a reminder that Eternal 
Vigilance must be added to Sixteen Dollars as the 
price of a Panama Hat that one shall keep. 

The process of being in love is Intelligible if not 
Intelligent; but there is a distinction between being 
in Love as the two young people concerned experi- 
ence it and the appearance of the same experience 
in the eyes of other people. 

There was once a wise man named Immanuel 
Kant who taught that the conduct of every man 
should be such that all men might profitably do like- 
wise. But when all other men wipe their hands and 
faces on the Outside of a Roller Towel, then do I 
use the Inside. 

THE RECOIL 

There came to me a man who is my neighbor, and 
he said, 

Browning is a genius. 

And I said, He wrote some great poetry. 

And my friend said, I spake not of the Poet. 
Neither did I speak of Peter Browning, though he 
was wont to play great ball. The Browning I refer 
to is John. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 113 

And I said, What hath he written? 

And he answered, He hath written the Doom of 
Autocracy by means of the Machine Gun. 

And I said, There have been Machine Guns this 
long time. 

And he said, Yea, but this is a New Principle. 
Didst thou ever shoot ? 

And I answered, In my youth I could Shoot 
rather better than Moderately Well. 

And he said, Dost thou know about the Kick of a 
Gun? 

And I answered, In the days of the Civil War 
the Government of Belgium sold to this nation cer- 
tain old muskets till the armories in this land could 
make Springfield and Enfield rifles. In my boyhood 
I once owned a Belgian musket, and if I had been 
consulted then, I should have said that Belgium 
deserved all that the Kaiser hath done to it. 

And he said, John Browning hath measured the 
Kick of a gun, and utilized it in providing power 
for the reload. Therefore have we the best and 
most rapid firing machine guns. 

And I spake to my friend, and I said, When this 
Cruel War is over, then shall I move that John, 
Browning be made chairman of a committee to 
utilize the energy of all Kickers. For there is a 
whole lot of Kicking that serveth no-present good, 
and if it cannot be stopped it should be utilized. 



ii 4 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

And my friend said, If Browning can do that, 
he will do better than write a Poem that few people 
understand, and almost as well as he shall do if 
he licketh the Kaiser. 

CONCERNING EXTREMES 

There came unto me a man who said, Thou art a 
man of Blood. For when the War was on, thou 
verily didst pray for the Armies and the Navies. 
And thy sons did go to War and thou didst wear a 
Service Pin with Three or Four Stars. The Blood 
of men is upon thy hands. 

And with many like words did he speak unto me. 

And I said unto him, I like not a man who is 
Lukewarm, but one who is Hot or Cold. 

And he said, There is nothing Lukewarm about 
me. 

And I answered, Thou hast well said. Neverthe- 
less, we live in a world wherein Extremes Meet, and 
the Mean Result of Two Extremes of Hot and Cold 
is Lukewarm. And a Freeze is one with a Scald. 

And he said, I know not what thou art talking 
about. 

And I said, Thou art a Pacifist, but thou art a 
Vindictive Fighter, and thy Pacifism doth Camou- 
flage thy Militarism. 

And I said, In this world of Extremes I have 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 115 

known lecturers on Personal Purity to be run into 
court by the Cop for doing the things they lectured 
against, and I have seen Temperance Lecturers tak- 
ing the Keeley Cure, and I behold Pacifists smelling 
the Battle afar and hitting every head in sight. 
Thus do men take into their own system the very 
evils which they oppose. Thou dost Skim the Pot 
and Lick the Ladle. 

And I said unto him, I am a man of Peace, who 
will have peace though he fight for it. Thou art a 
man of Strife, and will have war though thou be- 
come a Pacifist to obtain it. 

And I said, It grieveth me to the heart that in this 
world children of the same God do fight and devour 
one another, and I have no ill words for any lover 
of peace. But let the lover of peace pursue peace, 
and let him not with his tongue stir up strife which 
other men must settle with the sword. 

OUT AND IN 

There came to see me a man from another city, 
and it is a Goodly City. And it lieth toward the 
Rising of the Sun. And I met him on the Threshold 
of my House. And he said, 

Doth Safed the Sage live here? 

And I told him that it would do him no good to 
seek farther. 



n6 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

And he said, I have read of thee, and I had busi- 
ness out here, and I have come to see thee. 

And I asked him, Where didst thou say thou 
hadst business? 

And he said, I have business in thy city. 

And I said, I understood thee to say that thou 
didst have Business Out Here. 

And he said, I believe I did say so. In the city 
where I live, if a man come toward this point of the 
Compass, he speaketh of it as Out. 

And I said, That form of speech showeth an Un- 
fortunate Mental Attitude. 

And he said, It is only a Form of Speech. 

And I said, Nay, it is a Trait of Mind. The 
Chinese do teach in their Schools a science called 
Geography, wherein China is shown as the Middle 
Kingdom, with all other nations Outside, so that 
whithersoever a Chinaman goeth, he goeth Out, and 
whosover cometh to China, he cometh In. It is 
more than a Form of Speech ; it is a Mental Habit, 
and a Bad One. 

And I said, God's sun knoweth no Out or In any- 
where in the Temperate Zone, for every land hath 
its Morning and Noon and Night. He who thinketh 
of himself as going Out when he goeth to another 
city shutteth his Soul against some possibility of 
Instruction. 

And he said, I do not think it is so bad as that. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 117 

It is just our habit of speech. Nevertheless, I do 
verily believe that thou art right, and that no man 
in going from the East to the West or from the 
West to the East should speak of it as Going Out, 
lest he give offense. 

And I said, That is not the Principal Reason ; he 
should not speak thus, because it conduces a Mental 
Limitation. East and West are both alike to the 
Sun, and each spot hath its own High Noon midway 
between Sunrise and Sunset. 

And I said, This is In. 

And he said, I verily believe that thou art right. 

And I opened my door wide, and I said, Come In. 

And he came In, and we had Sweet Fellowship 
together. 

For he was a Fine Man, and all he needed to know 
was that he had not come Out but In. 

MAGNANIMITY 

I sat in a Restaurant, and one of the sons of Ham 
did serve the table. And there sat nigh unto me a 
very Unreasonable Man who complained of the 
Service, and the Food, and the Prices, and of much 
beside. And to the Ethiopian he was abusive. And 
the Ethiopian took it Very Courteously. 

And after the man had gone out, I commended 
the Ethiopian. And I said unto him, That man 



n8 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

was most unreasonable, and thou didst show Rare 
Patience. 

And he said, Yassah, he sho was mighty Vigor- 
ous in de Language dat he used. 

And I said again, And thou didst do well to 
govern thy Temper. 

And he said, Yassah. Thank you, sah. 

And I said, It is a rare and fine quality, that of 
holding one's Temper under such conditions. 

Now when I had said this, the Ethiopian waiter 
grew confidential. 

And he said, When a man is in my Position ob 
Superiority, sah, he kin afTohd to be Magnanimous. 

And I wondered what he considered his Position 
of Superiority. 

And I said, Any man who can control his Temper 
is in a Position of Superiority. 

And he said, Yassah. But I has de Exceptional 
Advantage, and I kin afTohd to overlook sech things 
as dat man said. 

And I was interested. And I besought him that 
he should tell me about his Position of Superiority 
which enabled him to control his Temper and to 
exhibit Magnanimity. 

And for a time he would not. But when I de- 
sired him much, he told me in what manner he made 
proof of his superiority. 

And he spake thus privately unto me, 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 119 

I did put Dishwater in his Coffee. 

Now when I heard these words, I considered 
many things. 

For I saw that indeed the Ethiopian possessed a 
Position of Superiority, and could avail himself of 
many expedients that might assist him in the Dis- 
cipline of Self-Control. And I resolved that I 
would be Very Considerate of the feelings of Ethi- 
opian Waiters. For I am not fond of Dishwater, 
and I have had much Coffee that tasted Magnan- 
imously like unto it. 

And I considered yet farther, and I said, If this 
humble son of Ham can establish within his own 
Soul, either with or without the aid of Dishwater, a 
sufficient Assurance of Superiority so that he can 
rise to a Place of Magnanimity, so may every man. 
And it might be that most could achieve Mag- 
nanimity that would make the Dishwater superflu- 
ous. 

Nevertheless, I smiled within myself to think how 
the Abusive Man had gotten what he deserved. But 
no quantity of Dishwater would make him mag- 
nanimous. 



THE WIT AND WISDOM 



THE TWO INN KEEPERS 

There was in the olden time a city where two Inns 
stood the one over against the other. And each of 
them did advertise a Room and a Bath for a Dollar 
and a Half. 

Now the High Cost of Living did hit that town, 
and the Cost of Operating an Inn did increase. And 
one of the Inn Keepers said within himself, I must 
needs mark up my Prices, but I fear the Competi- 
tion of my Competitor. And he marked up his 
rooms to Two Dollars. And he skimped on his 
Linen, and he put but one Cake of Soap in the room, 
which had to serve both the Washbowl and the Tub. 
For he said, We must Hooverize. 

But the Other Considered, and said within Him- 
self, 

When the Elevator starteth up, why stop at the 
Mezzanine ? But we must make it up in service. 

Therefore did he buy a better quality of Soap, 
which cost him One Cent Extra for each Cake. And 
he put Two Cakes in each room. Likewise did he 
invest another Cent in a Portable Wash Rag for 
every guest to drop in his bag along with one of the 
two cakes of Soap. 

And all the Traveling Publick, which knoweth a 
Good Thing When it seeth the same, did go to his 
Inn. And he charged them Two Fifty and Up. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 121 

And now and then he smiled to himself when he 
considered that for the Extra Half Dollar and Up, 
he had invested Two Cents in the Soap and a cent 
in the Wash Rag. 

This Parable teacheth that a Wise and Discrim- 
inating Publick demandeth Good Value for its 
money, and that some men are Wise in their genera- 
tion. 

Now when I considered this matter, I said, if the 
investment of Three Cents in Better Soap and a 
Wash Rag doth give unto the Guest a sense of hav- 
ing Gotten the Worth of his Money, behold, I will 
consider what small investments there may be that 
in my business shall give unto those that come to 
me the like conviction. 

For there is no advertisement like unto a Pleased- 
Customer. 

THE INN AND THE EATING HOUSE 

There came to me a friend of mine who inquired 
of me whether I had any money that I could lend 
unto him. And I said, I have an hundred shekels : 
take it : it is thine. 

And he thanked me, and he said, Thus am I bor- 
rowing from all my friends, for I have opportunity 
for a great investment. 

And he told me of the great new Five Million 



THE WIT AND WISDOM 



Shekel Hotel that had just been opened, which 
people of wealth did inhabit, and he said, I have 
rented the great room next door, and therein will 
I open a Cheap but attractive Restaurant. 

And I said, Thou wilt surely lose all thy money. 

But he did as he had said that he would do. And 
he furnished a good meal at about the price which 
the Waiters next door expected as a Tip. 

And it came to pass that all the High Toned 
Guests who came to town and registered at the 
Hotel, and wrote their letters on its Stationery — 
they did buy every man his meals at the Restaurant 
of my friend. 

Then did my friend prosper, and he paid me back 
my hundred shekels with usury. And besides this 
did he serve me now and then a Good Square Meal 
and took no silver therefor. And he went from city 
to city, and wherever a great hotel was builded, 
there did he put in a Cheap Restaurant. And he 
now hath great Wealth. 

And I considered the matter, and I remembered 
that the man who spendeth his money for one thing 
doth not have it to spend for another. And this is 
what wise men have called The Law of Compensa- 
tion. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 123 

GOLF BALL AND EARTHQUAKE 

There came one to me and said, O Safed, I am 
told that thou art a wise man and also a righteous 
man. 

And I answered, The two are not wholly incom- 
patible; if men say such things concerning me I 
must be the more unmindful of my folly and my 
unworthiness. 

And he said, Dost thou believe in the power of 
prayer ? 

Forasmuch as he knew very well what I believed, 
I answered him as I answer men when I desire that 
they shall make the Next Move. And I said unto 
him, Whether thou hast come to be enlightened, or 
hast come to enlighten me, say on, for the sunlight 
is scarce. 

And he said, I believe that God answereth every 
true prayer. Dost thou so believe? 

And I answered, Yea ; and sometimes He answer- 
eth Yea, and sometimes He answereth Nay. 

And he said, There is no Nay with the Almighty 
when the prayer of faith is answered. 

And I said, It is well that all men pray, and that 
they pray the prayer of faith. But the prayer of 
faith is still the prayer of human understanding; 
and although the faith be perfect, the wisdom may 
be scant. Wherefore, if God must needs say Yea to 



i2 4 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

every fool prayer, then would I desire to move into 
Some Other Universe. For I do verily believe that 
God doth not loan his Rubber Stamp to every 
strong-faithed and weak-minded Christian. 

And he said, Cannot God turn our folly into 
wisdom ? 

And I answered, God can do everything that 
denieth not his own nature and that involveth no 
contradiction of terms. But some things that God 
can do, God is too good and too wise to do, even 
though all the foolish Christians on earth do tease 
Him. 

And I said, There was a great game of Golf, 
wherein the two players came to the Eighteenth 
Hole with an even score. And one struck with his 
Putter and knocked the ball so that it stopped just 
at the edge of the Hole. And the other took his 
Putter and lifted it that he might Put, when there 
came a very small Earthquake, and the ball of the 
other player Rolled In. And the question was Much 
Discussed whether he did thereby win the game. 
And they who were wise in matters of Golf decided 
that a player may not Shake the Earth in order to 
Jar his Ball into the Hole. And they gave the Game 
unto the other man. 

And I said, So is it with God. He hath placed 
this Earth on the Tee, and hath knocked it over a 
Rocky Course of Eighteen Holes with an hundred 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 125 

years to each and then some. And He will yet land 
it in the Last Hole by a Clean and Fair Stroke, and 
not by Violating the Laws which He Himself hath 
made. 

THE LOST AFFECTIONS 

Now there came unto me a Middle Aged Woman ; 
and she said, Hast thou a Philosopher's Stone 
wherein thou dost look, and tell Unhappy People 
what to do? 

And I told her that I had. 

And she seated herself before me, and I looked at 
the Rings on her left hand and I looked also into the 
Philosopher's Stone, and I said, Thou art Married. 

And she answered and said, I am. 

And I looked again, and I said, Thou art unhappy. 

And she said, O Safed, thou art indeed a man of 
Great Discernment. 

And I said, Thy husband, who once was most 
fond, now Tendeth to his Business, and seemeth to 
thee to be Inconsiderate. 

And she gently Sobbed her Assent. 

And she said, O Safed, I simply must tell some 
one ! And I have come to thee, for thou art Wise 
and Sympathetic. My husband once loved me De- 
votedly; it was Just Too Sweet for Anything, the 
Way he Loved me. But now I am Losing his 
Affections. 



126 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

And she said, O Safed, dost thou not know some 
Philter, which I may cunningly concoct and give 
to him, that he may Partake Thereof and Love me 
Like he Used to ? 

And I answered, I know a Potent Love Potion, 
and I can impart it to thee. 

And she said, O Safed, Deceive me not, neither 
keep me Waiting! 

And I said, This is the Potion. Go thou to the 
Market, and there get thee a Beefsteak An Inch 
Thick, and be sure that it is Tender. Rub it gently 
with an Onion, and put it in the Broiler, and be sure 
that the Broiler is Hot. Place it over an Hot Fire 
and Cook it upon the one side : then turn thou it and 
Cook it upon the Other Side. And be sure thou 
cook it Quickly that thou cook the Juice into it and 
not out. 

And she said, I will tell the Maid to do it so. 

And I said, Nay, but do it with thine own hands. 

And she said, Is that all ? 

And I said, Sprinkle it lightly with salt, and yet 
more lightly with Pepper; and place on the top 
thereof a Good Big Lump of Butter. And take thou 
a Great Potato, and Bake it with the Cover on ; and 
when it is baked, open it upon the Top Side, and put 
therein a Lump of Butter, and some Salt, and 
sprinkle the edges with Red Paprika. And bake 
the Potato first that thy Steak cool not while it 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 127 

baketh. And have on thy Good Dress, which thou 
mayest cover with a Big Gingham Apron; and when 
thou seest thy husband coming, slip off thine Apron, 
and come to the table in thy Best Bib and Tucker, 
and Smile at him while he eateth thy Magic Potion. 

And she said, Will that assuredly give me back 
my husband's affections? 

And I said, It is warranted never to fail. 

And she said, But what about the High Cost of 
Living? 

And I said, The High Cost of Living is justified 
by the High Cost of Loving. Beefsteak and Baked 
Potatoes, though they come high, are cheaper than 
Divorce and Alimony. Yea, and they yield their 
Peaceable Fruits. 

And she went and concocted the Magic Potion 
even as I told her. And she administered it to her 
husband Many Times. 

And they lived together Happily Ever After. 

SYMPATHY AND HELPFULNESS 

There came to our City a Great Plague, even the 
Spanish Influenza. 

And people that I knew not sent for me, saying, 
There lieth one dead in our house. Come, and speak 
to us a Word of Comfort, and pray to God on our 
behalf. 



128 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

And I went to a House where the man had died. 
And his wife wept bitterly. And the women, her 
neighbors, gathered about her and sought to com- 
fort her. Now the house was in Disorder; for the 
woman had never been a good housekeeper, though 
she loved her husband, and Lamented him sore. 

And she cried, saying, Alas, my husband! He 
was all that I had! And we were very happy to- 
gether, and now I am Desolate and Alone! 

And the other women crowded about her, and 
essayed to comfort her. And they said, Weep not 
so sorrowfully, for verily thou shalt grieve thyself 
unto Sickness. 

And she said, I care not that I should be sick ; yea, 
I desire that I may be sick and die, and lie down 
beside him whom I loved. 

And they said, Speak not thus Despairingly, nor 
be overcome of Grief. 

But none of them Made up the Beds, nor Washed 
the Dishes, nor Dusted the Parlor Table. 

And I spake of it to Keturah. 

And I said, Sympathy is one of the most blessed 
things in life; yet do I prefer a sympathy that is 
helpful. 

And Keturah said, Those neighbor women gave 
to her what she most needed. The unmade beds and 
the unwashed dishes did offend thine eye, but not 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 129 

hers nor theirs. The soul hath its deeper needs than 
dishwashing. 

And I answered, Verily thou hast spoken truly. 
Nevertheless, I like better the sympathy that know- 
eth how to help. 

THE PIECE CUT OUT 

There is a way that I have learned whereby I 
may fool Keturah; and because there be so few 
things in which I can fool her, and so many in which 
I should like to do so, and because there be few men 
who know even one such way, therefore do I record 
it. 

There cometh to our door every morning a lad 
who bringeth unto us a Daily Paper; save that on 
the Sabbath he bringeth it not. For on that day do 
I desire to have rest from some of the things of the 
week. And there cometh to our door twice every 
day a Postman, and he bringeth many other papers. 
And I read them with Shears, so that when I read 
something that I would read again, then do I cut 
it out. 

And Keturah hath no more than her share of 
Curiosity, yet is there nothing which she hath so 
keen a desire to know as what was in the Piece that 
I have Cut Out. And sometimes she careth for 



130 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

nothing else in the Paper, but she fain would know 
what was the Article which I have cut out. 

Therefore have I learned this, that when I would 
cut out an Article, I will cut out the Whole Page. 
And from the page do I clip out the Piece that I 
want, and throw the rest into the Wastebasket. 
Then doth Keturah read the paper and Miss Noth- 
ing. So do I keep Peace with her, and save the 
Piece that I cut out. For even though she misseth a 
page, and therewith the end of an article, yet doth 
it not offend her like the cutting out of a Little 
Square from the middle of the page. 

Now I have considered this, and I have reflected 
that it is often possible to do a Large Thing and get 
away with it, whereas a Small Thing of the like kind 
doth only irritate. 

THE NEEDS OF GREAT MEN 

We went, both I and Keturah, unto another city; 
and there we attended a Convention. And the peo- 
ple of that City were given to hospitality, and they 
received us into their homes, hoping to entertain 
Angels unawares. 

And the Hostess of the Home where I and 
Keturah lodged spake privately unto Keturah, and 
she said — 

Behold, all that we have is thine, and thy hus- 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 131 

band's. And I stand much in fear lest we be not 
able to do for thy husband what should be done unto 
him. For we have heard that he is a man of Dis- 
tinction. 

Now no one knoweth how little Distinction I have 
so well as Keturah, nor how little I deserve that 
little ; but Keturah will never divulge that unto an- 
other, though she remind me of it in private. 

And this woman spake unto Keturah, and told 
her what things that she had heard concerning the 
husband of Keturah. And she said, I fear lest I be 
not able to do for him what should be done for so 
Distinguished a man. 

And Keturah spake unto her comfortingly. And 
Keturah said, A Distinguished man needeth a bed 
no longer nor wider than any other man, nor a bath 
tub any more commodious. As among women the 
Colonel's lady and Judy O' Grady have all the essen- 
tials of their nature in common, so it is with men. 
Give unto a man three things, and he will do very 
well. Give him a comfortable place to sleep, and 
feed him well three times in the day, and make not 
too much fuss over him, and he will think that he 
is having a good time. 

And our hostess said, Why that is exactly what 
I do for mine own husband. 

And she did even as Keturah said. And we were 
very happy in that place. 



132 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

ON GROWING OLD 

Keturah spake unto me, and inquired of me, say- 
ing, Wilt thou love me when I am old ? 

And I answered, I will not. 

And Keturah said, Verily thou didst promise. 

And I said, I promised nothing of the kind, 
neither will I perform it. I promised to love the 
woman whom I married, and she was a young 
woman, and thou art that woman. Wherefore then 
should I love a woman who is old ? 

And she said, But, alas, my husband, I am not 
young as when I married thee. 

And I said, If the years have done anything to 
thee, they have done the same to me, and I see thee 
no different, only more dear and more fair. Yea, 
and when many women are gathered in any place, 
then do I look around till I find the fairest of them 
all, and that is thee. For I have always loved fair 
women and no others, and I am too old to want any 
other kind. Therefore do I love thee more than all 
else. 

And Keturah said, Thou speakest like the foolish 
lover whom thou hast ever been ; and inasmuch as I 
have thee fooled, it were greater folly to seek to 
make thee wise. God grant thou be ever as foolish 
as thou art now. 



OF SAFED THE SAGE 133 

And I said, O Keturah, I am not unmindful of 
what the years have wrought in both of us. Thou 
art the mother of soldiers, of men tall and strong, 
and a daughter who is older than thou wert when 
first God gave thee to me. Thou didst not wear 
glasses when first I knew thee, neither was there a 
gray hair in thy brown and waving hair, and thy 
dark eyes looked at me from under a smooth brow. 
I do verily see in thee some marks of physical 
change, and I welcome them not either in me or in 
thee, for mine is an heart of youth, and I delight 
not in anything that diminisheth strength. Yea, I 
dread the time when I shall have to be careful what 
I eat, and when I shall be admonished to take life 
less strenuously, for that I am no longer young. 
And I rejoice now as a strong man to run a race, 
neither do I know sickness nor weariness nor pain. 
But I suspect that the years have left some mark 
upon us both, only I see it not in either of us. And 
thou art more fair to me than ever, yea, and ten 
thousand times more dear. 

And I said, Age dependeth not on how long a man 
hath been born, for some men were old from their 
birth. The angel that rolled the stone away from 
the tomb of the dear Lord Christ had been in heaven 
ten thousand years, but the women saw him, and 
had he been old they would have noticed it ; but he 
was a young man. 



134 THE WIT AND WISDOM 

And I said, Keturah, if thou art any older than 
when I married thee, I do not suspect it. 

And Keturah said, Just for that I will make thee 
a Cherry Pie; and my Cherry Pies are as good as 
when we first were married. 

And I said, yea, and I thank God that my appetite 
for them is as good as it was then. 

And I might just mention that it was Some Pie. 






RD 44 



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Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. 

Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide 

Treatment Date: Sept. 2009 

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